I first heard this song “Restless” by a group called Switchfoot a few weeks ago. “Even my blood finds ways to bleed” could not more accurately describe the last two years. But that was sooo last season!
I have been in winter. I did journal during the last 24 months, but those are too raw to share. Really too raw to re-read myself. In fact I destroyed most things I wrote then. Let’s just suffice it to say: I was a burn patient in need of a good scraping. Someday, maybe I’ll tell you about it. Not today.
All of this burning and scraping brings me to today… the changing of seasons, spring for me, fall for the “real world”.
Today was the windiest day. I hate wind. It is unsettling. It shatters the peace. Today was also Day One of a challenge I am participating in. The challenge: To spend at least five minutes a day in solitude, reflecting on creation and journaling my thoughts. Then, the challenge continues, do something radical- something that reinforces what you’re learning about yourself. This blog is my “radical act”. Allowing myself to be known and understood. Risking being misunderstood,
If you know me well, you know I am not a loner. I never have been. I am not comfortable with stillness, silence. My mind moves fast and relentlessly. I have been accused of over-analyzing everything, so being alone with my thoughts is nothing short of torturous most days, especially recently.
Week 2 Day 1
It’s a windy day at Riverfront Park. The leaves are gone from the trees, except the most stubborn few. How are they hanging on with such a vicious act being perpetrated against them? To me they look unprotected by their tree and the trees next to them. At first I’m thinking that they are survivors. As I’m watching them longer I begin to wonder what’s the worst that could happen if they let go, gave in to the wind?
They would fall, but not hard. They would float gently to the ground, or be whipped along chaotically for a bit until they eventually, softly, reached their destination. Don’t they understand they have purpose both in the tree and on the ground? The seasons all have their importance. The leaves have importance in each season. So, why resist?
I am unprotected. I feel as though I have always been. This is one of my internal narratives. (Week 1 was identifying our narratives and measuring them up with truth. I may come back to this one of these days too.) I don’t trust the winds of change. I cling desperately, strongly, stubbornly, to what I know, even after the season has ended. Somehow I have believed that maybe I’ll be the leaf that doesn’t float on the wind. Maybe I’ll plummet. The thought of more chaos is nerve racking. I have no control in this change of season in my life.
“…I can hear you breathing, I can feel you leading, more than just a feeling”. God is in this wind, in this chaos. He will gently, eventually, bring each leaf to its resting place for use in the next season. The strong leaves, stubborn ones, will need a little more force than the others, but will be held just the same on the wind.
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