Guilty

I told you several weeks ago that I didn't completely finish my first set of challenges.  The love and wrath sections had me hung up in just about every way.  My understanding of those concepts is being completely turned upside down. 

Love as I understood it 15 years ago, 5 years ago, 5 months ago, was... well, a misunderstanding.  "Wrath", it seems now, has been corrupted in my mind too...  I have been skillfully avoiding writing about it, mostly because I don't fully have a firm grasp on the new "wrath" concept yet.  So, like everything else in this process, there's been a gentle, persistent, undercurrent of pursuit in my soul and a flickering word over these weeks.  It occurred to me tonight: I get a firmer grasp WHEN I write, which is the whole point of this blog.  (Duh, keep up Collene!) So, bear with me, while I prove to you that I know nothing, because I REALLY want to be changed by "love" and "wrath"...

The flickering word is GUILT.  Even in print it's a completely aesthetically displeasing word. When you grow up with an over-abundance of rules, and you have perfectionist tendencies- like I do... and you have no problem creating more rules- you tend to always feel guilt about everything.  It's nonsense, really.  I can remember as a kid feeling guilty when a teacher or parent simply asked "who______?".  I felt this way whether there was trouble coming, or not or whether I was even involved, or not.  I had the same feeling when a police officer would pass me, whether I was speeding or not.  (Back then I usually wasn't speeding, but I've managed to get over myself in that way.)

As an adult guilt has been the undercurrent of my life in other ways.  Desire.  Either I do desire the "wrong" things, or I don't desire the "right" things.   Uggh, what a prison.  What about this "freedom we have in Christ" I keep hearing people sling around.  Whatever, bumper-sticker!!  This is miserable.  God hates this, God hates that.  Clearly God hates me, because I LOVE that.  So, you see where I'm coming from with this "Wrath" topic right?  I'm already, hopelessly a loser.  Guilty.  Condemned.  Deserving of Wrath.

So, It's probably not necessary to define the word as I've always understood it, because I'm willing to bet the majority of the world understands it the way I always did.  But, I'm going to, because it's my blog and I need to- for me- not because I think you're simple.  Wrath to me meant: extreme anger, rage, fury, passionate distaste, emotional punishment- often irrational.

Maybe it's the English language that lacks.  There are 5 words for "love" in the ancient Greek language.  Is it so far a stretch of the imagination that our use of the one word "wrath" in translating as it pertains to God is also lacking depth?  It hadn't occurred to me before, but I'm listening...

I'm not asserting that we should "tweak" stuff in the bible to make it fit our ridiculousness.  I'm just struggling with the disconnect between what I've understood to be true and what actually works out in the testing of real life.  So, I'm finding myself open to new thought patterns.

J.B. Smith says: "Love is the desire for the well-being of another, so much so, that personal sacrifice would not stand in the way. It is not that God's love for us is dispassionate...it is just not an emotion that waxes and wanes... In the same way that God's love is not a silly, sappy feeling but rather a consistent desire for the good of His people, so also the wrath of God is not a crazed rage, but rather a consistent opposition to sin and evil... it is a mindful, objective response.  It is actually an act of love. God is not indecisive when it comes to evil.  God is fiercely and forcefully opposed to the things that destroy His precious people..."

The guy goes on to use MADD as an example of that kind of "wrath".  Mothers Against Drunk Driving is a group that fiercely opposed to people hurting themselves and other people...

Okay, it's starting to sink in.  Guilt is not God's tool, it's the other guy's...  In fact, some of the "wrong" things I desire can be "good".  As my Father who loves me, He wants me to have it all!  He just doesn't want me to have any of those things in a way that will hurt me, or others, or keep me from coming to Him as my Daddy. 

It also occurs to me that this version of the word is necessary for true justice, which I love.  Ultimately, I wouldn't respect a god who was emotionally unstable, indifferent, or played a partiality game when it comes to moral evil. Okie doke, firehose thoughts tonight, right?  I need sleep.  But first, can I just say: I love you people and my grasp just got firmer!