When Sleep Beats Me Up, I Obey

It was another one of those sleeps today, the kind that leaves me feeling less rested than when I laid down.  It was worse than restlessness...  This was the kind of vivid sleep battle that left me with my heart racing, body sweating, gut wrenching, soul crushed- with deep unexplainable sadness, emotional/spiritual turmoil.  Not a nightmare, really.  Not a dream either... and I had only had my eyes closed for 20 minutes.

The person in my sleep is not someone with whom I'm in contact anymore, which makes it all the more unsettling.  The fact is, this friend has been the subject of three others like it in the last several weeks.  So, since I don't know what else to do to get my mind and heart to rest, I prayed again for my friend. Now I'll write:

"What is it you want?"

The question has haunted me for years.  The friend in my dream today was wrestling with it too...  I know what I don't want, but up to now, I have been unable to put into words what I DO want.  I'm guessing that my inability to do so is somehow linked directly to pride (the bad kind).  If you know anything about me, you know that I'm not weak minded.  I'm not afraid to make a decision.  I'm not afraid to do. I just don't know how to ask for things I want or need.

Okay, so what I didn't tell you yesterday is that my Week 1 challenge was to write a letter that starts like this:  "Dear God, the life I most want for myself is..."  Yeah, I wrote it. I feel a little silly (pride again?) sharing it, but you people are starting to know me as well as I do by now anyway...

Dear God,

The life I want most for myself is... to be a stable, capable mother.  I want to be deeply connected with all three of my kids- for life.  I want to be able to teach them the tools for honest living in this mad world.  I want to be better at providing for them financially, emotionally, spiritually.

I want graciousness and love to be my instinct.  I want to be humble enough to accept love and help.  I want to live honestly and without duplicity. I want to live like my friend Patricia- with thanksgiving on my tongue.  I want to be wise- discerning of character and situations.  I want to be faithful,  a servant.  I want to sing again.

I want to have relationships started, mended, restored, reshaped, made stronger...

I want to continue to enjoy my job~ being with people all day, encouraging them through words, touch and beauty; being encouraged by them. (I want pretty shoes that I can stand in all day, maybe you could work that out either with my feet or the shoe people...)

I want to be deeply cherished, protected, part of a team, respected, trusted, loved passionately.  Chosen above all.  More than that, I want to find someone worthy of my trust, respect, passion, and family.

I want to forgive myself for my failures, to expect less perfection...

...to do justice, to love mercy, to walk humbly with you.

Sincerely,

~Collene

(The one that you love)