The Littlest Sister

That weekend was gorgeous.  It was a perfectly sunny, but crisp, fall day and I was nestled in a cabin, next to one of the most scenic lakes Alaska has to offer, with three or four of my favorite Alaskan women.  The weekend was organized by the Women's Ministry of the church I had been a member of in Anchorage and featured a speaker from somewhere in the Lower 48. The topic, "Forgiveness".

Even considering the gravity of some of the events of my 27 years on the planet, I knew it would be "old news".  I was all too familiar with the ins and outs of genuine forgiveness and really had nothing unresolved in my heart.  I was expecting peace, rest, laughter and relaxation.

Hmmmm, nope.  For some reason I found myself heavy-hearted, burdened beyond reason, tears leaking nearly constantly down my cheeks.  I searched myself...why?  My life held no conflict outside of the norm, yet my soul was crushed. As I packed my things to go home, I felt almost desperate to talk to my youngest sister.  The topic coursing through my head seemed like million years old and would be completely unconnected to our current, nearly non-existent, relationship.

She was 19 and was living nearly 4,000 miles away in Southern Arizona.  She had just finished a flight attendant academy and was living and working on her own for the first time.  Being seven years older than her, I had very little in common with her and being so far away wasn't helping us naturally maintain a relationship.

When I got home from the weekend at the lake, I took a nap.  Surely with a little sleep I'd feel more normal.  Nope, the feeling of burden had only deepened while I slept.  I woke up and called her.  I don't remember how I started the conversation, but I do remember she needed me.  The conversation was gut wrenching and raw.  I heard her out, then called in parental reinforcement.  The burdened lifted, the unexplained tears dried...

I have only had a few times in my life like that weekend.  Today was that kind of day for me again.  The circumstances and person on my heart were completely different, but I don't feel like getting into that for now.  Instead, I'll tell you I called my littlest sister for encouragement.  Talking to her was exactly what I needed. 

Here's a few reasons why she's one of my favorites:

Growing up, because she's so much younger than me, she was always easy to get along with for me.  She was a gorgeous toddler and would remind people constantly: "I cute..."  By the time she arrived at her teen years, I had just left mine.  She had gotten quiet and shy and spent most of her time reading around the house.  I was living in a different state and was starting my career and marriage.  Although she spent a summer, while she was in high school, working as my nanny, we were largely, strangers.

After that conversation I told you about on the phone in Alaska, I intentionally worked to get to know her.  At the time she was engaged to her high school sweetheart.  She is very much opposite of me personality-wise.  She is internal, a watcher of people.  She prefers to be on the outskirts of a group rather than center stage.  When she speaks she is direct and doesn't mince words.  She is not passive or weak.  She is sensitive and loving to people around her and very easy to open up to.

Her life as an adult immediately put her in the refining fire.  She had two children, almost immediately, after marriage.  Both were born extremely prematurely, 2 1/2 months and 3 months early, respectively.  With her eldest, the stress of having a extreme preemie was rivaled only by the stress of having the state CPS office drop by to observe her mothering abilities.  Someone involved in her daughter's medical care was certain that a very young mother, with an extreme preemie, could not possibly be doing it right.  She was.  It didn't take long for her to prove herself, but none-the-less, the fear of losing her daughter was nearly overwhelming.

With her second pregnancy, while mothering a toddler, she spent 6 weeks in the hospital before the emergency c-section that saved her life as well as that of her son.  As her big sister during this time, I can not express the admiration I had for her.  As a result of her trials, she has been shaped into a faithful, patient, strong woman.  She is a beautiful, loving, supportive wife with a fantastic husband.  I have nothing but respect for them both.  I am so dang thankful for these people that call me "sister"!

2007

Pregnant with her son, just prior to her 6 week hospital stay that ended in emergency c-section.

Hanging out with my 3 lb niece in 2005

 Loving on her 2 lb son in 2007

On her anniversary, with her high school sweetie and husband of 7 years.

The other aunt and I getting a little play time with her kiddos in 2009

One of the most trustworthy, tight lipped women I know!  I love you Suzy-Q.

Fridays and Lighhouses

I love Fridays!  Also, I love lighthouses.  When my oldest son was 8 months old we bought our first house.   I spent weeks collecting lighhouse/sailboat/nautical themed decor for his first room.  There is a nostalgia connected to something from my childhood, I have yet to place my finger on entirely.

This week I spent some time reading my "raw journal", the one that contains the mess I usually try to tidy up for public publishing here.  As I was reading just now, my memory offered the image of a solitary man standing in the doorway of a lighthouse while the sea raged around it.  The first time I saw the picture it took my breath away!  Protection, peace, strength- all in the most furious, tumultuous situation...

This week I am that man.  What a perfectly peaceful, happy, stormy, dark, but good, week!

Monday, Memorial Day, was D-U-M-B.  Pretty much the entire four day weekend was spent indoors avoiding the rain, snow and wind.  So, by Monday, we were all ready to get some things accomplished and get out of the house.  I was sick of the book I'm reading.  The computer made me restless. The projects and clutter were starting to close in around and suffocate me...

After hours of grout work, cleaning, measuring, planning, I took my eldest to the home improvement store to get my list of stuff.  I might as well have beat my head against a brick wall for all the success I was having.  Sometimes being a woman is just plain frustrating.  I'm smart and know exactly HOW to do the stuff I need to accomplish, but let's face it:  I cannot physically carry out so many of the things I need to do.  I hate "needing" a man.  Stupid.  I can't wait until these boys are bigger than me.  As it stands now, we are a pretty even match, although I am still a teeny bit bigger... Thankfully, I have a brother-in-law that was willing to be my muscle.  (I hate asking, by-the-way, and that's not likely to get easier anytime soon.)

The physical work got mostly accomplished just in time to return to the mental and emotional stupidity that had become the background of my daily routine.  Monday slipped into Tuesday and the middle of the night conversation I told you about here, brought internal peace, even excitement, for the rest of the week...

Last night I had one of the most difficult single mom, stand-my-ground-parenting, kind of nights.  More than one child involved.  More than one topic.  Strangely, I took it all in stride.  My blood pressure stayed even.  My voice was firm, dare I say loving even?!  Discipline was dispensed.  Tears were shed, and none belonged to me... Young people were sent to bed early.  Before one of the offenders fell asleep, I heard footsteps firmly re-enter the room.  "Mom?  I'm sorry.  I really lost my head back there.  I didn't mean everything I said, will you forgive me?  I DO love you."  Funny, I was just reading some of my most raw secret fears about single mothering from a few months ago...  This restoration is changing me in every area.  Now, I think I just might be okay.

In other news:

There was an unusual air of excitement today.  Not only was it the last day of school for the kids, it also marks my second anniversary leasing a booth at my salon.  Anniversaries are a big deal at work.  Our "landlord" salon owner buys flowers and makes such and effort to make us feel valuable to her.  Her efforts amaze me.  I could not be more fortunate to have these three women in my life.  I am the youngest, both in age and in experience. Which says a lot, because I've been at this for 16 years. Let me tell you about these girls I share my days with:

CC- This woman is hilarious.  She works fast and efficiently, with a smile and a laugh.  It is not unusual for her to have four clients in our salon at the same time.  Still, she manages to be so personable.  Her clients adore her. She is direct, yet tactful.  Her clients know better than to waltz in late.  Five minutes after, is late.  This woman receives more homemade/handmade gifts from her clients, year round, than anyone I've ever met. (They keep all of us fat and happy too!) She is athletic, beautiful, strong.  She is a caring daughter and loving sister.  She turned a baby boy into a man, alone- from day one.  I've thought about loaning her a teen or two...

CD- Could there be a more patient, gracious, giving person on this planet?  Nope!  If I could use no other word, I'd use "Loyal"!  Her heart is huge, lips are tight and shoulders soft.  Have I mentioned her talent?  If ever a stylist/designer was born to do exactly that!  Her clientele has been built to overflowing.  Weekly, she generously, graciously, turns referrals over to me... we've built somewhat of a little family between our two clienteles.  She is honest, forgiving, thoughtful.  She is a fun, supportive, loving wife. She has "adopted" several dozen "nieces and nephews" that don't share blood, but have captured a piece of her heart.  She dotes on them all as though they were hers.  In fact, my three get so excited to see her vehicle at work!  They wait patiently for her to see them out of the corner of her eye and give them a chance to say "hi", usually with a hug.  (Did I mention that two of my three are middle school aged boys that will barely hug their own mother?!)  She has been so gracious, protective, and generous to me outside of the salon as well.  More than once, the kids and I have retreated to her country home for a weekend.  This one is truly a forever kind of friend.

M- The captain of our little crew.  My interview with her was soooooo unusual!  She told me outright- "I like you.  I think you'd be a fit here... BUT, I need talk to the other girls first and then my husband.  My decisions impact the girls' businesses too, so I need to respect their input and my husband is my check and balance in every aspect of life." (Thankfully, they all agreed to give me a shot!) I love how respectful this woman is.  As the new girl, with a quickly impending divorce, sparse clientele and pendulum emotions, she ever encouraged, brainstormed, cheered...  All day long, I hear her constantly confirming her clients, giving them her undivided attention.  Everything she does is well thought out, started quickly, and finished well.  She is a supportive mother, devoted wife, intelligent business woman, loving daughter/daughter-in-law.  She's straight-laced, but wears leather and rides a bike.  I love, love, love this woman!

All three of these women, throughout the last two years, have protected me, both personally and professionally, by giving me advice on setting boundaries and expectations.  They are not afraid to help me "fire" a creepy or abusive client.  In fact, with their wisdom and experience, a couple of them have even sent a would-be disastrous situation right back out the front door, before I even had a chance to take the job.  In so doing, they have made me aware of my value, talent, limits... Thank you girls for being my lighthouse.  I love you all more than I can possibly express.