New Mercies For Today, Hope For Tomorrow

Well now, it seems to be a fertile week for processing... er, I mean, preparing my field.  This is GREAT news for me, because some stuff is getting worked out inside me and I think summer is right around the corner for me.  On the other hand, it's not great news for those around me because my over-worked, teeny brain, is starting to smell like burned rubber.

More good news for me:  I tested my new pastor today. He's a champ, and completely, willingly, took me on when I called in tears. Some guy huh?!  Whew! As is becoming somewhat the usual thing on this blog, I'm not going to share the nitty gritty details for the whole world to sift through, but the guy is wise.  And gracious.  And patient.  And right.

In a nutshell, the narrative I'm processing this week has to do with fear.  I've actually been a bit panicky for a couple of weeks, off and on, over a few different topics.  Today all of the topics collided in a masterful display of fireworks, crashing gongs and tears.  Okay the tears were actual, the fireworks and gongs were internal.  Thank God that I got stood up today for a color during this time, so I had time to leave work to fall apart privately.

I am afraid that God is going to MAKE me do something I cannot, do not want to, will not allow, myself to do.  On the other hand, I am afraid that God will not allow "summer" in my life until I "obey".  Furthermore, this week happens to be the week that the "super-Christians", who apparently have a red phone direct to God (one that, mind you, I was not issued) are assisting Him with getting me saved again.  (Or something like that- my words and assessment of their actions, not theirs)  Please understand as you read this, that I am doing my level best to not sound mean, sarcastic, angry, disrespectful...  I'm feeling a little tender and mashed today and I'm doing my best.  Anywho... the good pastor assured me that no one is qualified to speak for God about specific circumstances in my personal life and make conjectures as to what He has planned specifically for me in my near future.  That's cool, because I assured the sweet pastor that I spend years OUT of church because of this very thing and am still feeling a bit flighty as to the whole situation.  I don't want a God that is that small.  I want the BIG version I was promised in Sunday School a million years ago.

Even though I didn't write at all Thursday, the theme washing through my head was "the mercies of the Lord are new every morning".  It was a cute little phrase that lingered, brought to mind a couple of songs from forever ago, and made me smile.  Thursday was a great day, for the most part.  I was able to keep the fear thoughts at bay all day.  Today... I woke up- nope, I really didn't sleep, so really I just got up, feeling absolutely trashed in every way. Eventually, at the very end of the longest day ever recorded, I was compelled to research this"new mercy" thing... I finally found it in Lamentations of all places.  (YES!! This is not a bumper sticker to me, so I am fully embracing it!)

Lamentations 3:19-25:

I remember my affliction and my wandering,

the bitterness and the gall.

I well remember them,

and my soul is downcast within me.

Yet this I call to mind

and therefore I have hope:

Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed,

for his compassions never fail.

They are new every morning;

great is your faithfulness.

 I say to myself, “The LORD is my portion;

therefore I will wait for him.”

The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him,

to the one who seeks him;

Okie Doke.  That's good enough for me tonight.  My fears have been put to rest.  I will wait, and see.  He will be good to me, because I have hope in Him and am seeking His plan- not a uber-super-exhuberant Christian's plan for me.  And also, you saw it right?  It says it right there:  because of His great love for me I won't be consumed.  That's cool.  I'm tired.  Goodnight.

Waiting For Rain

I'm being pursued!!!  He called me, out of the blue, a few weeks ago, on a "down" day none-the-less.  The first time I saw him was two summers ago, at a day camp for the kids.  He recognized me from years ago- before I was married.  We caught up briefly,  he invited me to chat "anytime".   I ran into him again at a sandwich shop a few months later.  Again, an invitation to call him, anytime.  Over the next year I heard from friends that know him that he'd been asking about me, again encouraging them to have me call.  So, I finally did.  We met for a couple of hours.  I was a mess that day, but left feeling encouraged and exhausted.  The invitation to call anytime was again extended.   I've seen him often over the course of the last six or seven months.  He's a busy guy.  I assumed the "anytime" invitation is just something people in his position say, possibly even with sincerity, but really don't have time to follow through with.  Besides, I don't NEED anyone.


So, now this call a few weeks ago...  He was direct- "Collene, if you're not going to take me seriously and set up a time to see me, I'm coming to you.  When can you cut my hair?"  I laughed him off.  I know he has a hair girl already.  I told him, alright, I'll come in again- after Christmas?  I know he's busy.  Nope.  He wants to see me, now.  We set it up for the next day.  The conversation, in my itty bitty salon, was deep, loving, encouraging.  I am amazed and the depth of grace and love I feel coming from this guy.  It, quite honestly, confuses me. 


I spent the next few days re-reading my blog, backwards.  It's funny to me that one day's thoughts seem to prepare me for the next day.  The common threads start to emerge.  That's when it hit me:  God has been pursuing be through this man.  For the first time in my life, even being born into and growing up in the church, I have a pastor!  A shepherd, in the true sense of the word.  I didn't see him again for nearly two weeks.  When I did, he came to me for a huge, emotional even, hug.  He looked me in the eye and said directly:  "Collene, I loved our time the other day.  I feel God has given me a special heart for you for a couple of years.  You are beautiful inside and out... precious.  I love you.  It is my mission to tell you what I see in you every time I see you until you believe it.  If I have such a heart for you, imagine God's love for you."  He went on, but I honestly can't remember everything he said- it was just too much to absorb.


So reader, this is not easy stuff for me to hear.  Why?  I have no idea.  It goes against the narratives I've nursed for decades I guess.  I suppose I'm okay with the pastor's mission, but quite honestly, my instinct is to run.  I hope I don't, because it's exactly what I want...


For Christmas I went to Mom and Dad's.  Since Thursday afternoon, I logged 2,444.4 miles on my brand new tires.  There is nothing like the hum of my tires on a road, the flash of changing scenery, chasing the sun from rise to set, iPod on shuffle, and the crossing of state lines.  My mind moves fast, so it makes sense to me that sitting still has never worked for me when it comes to processing thoughts.  Road trips, however, work wonders on my mind and heart.  This Christmas break is just what I needed...


On this particular trip I solved the world's problems, then went to work on my own.  My mind again hovering on the familiar two topics:  Pursuit and Perseverance.  While in Arizona, I was reminded of a quote "Two farmers need rain.  Both pray for it, but only one prepares his field for the rain.  Which one has more faith?"


I spent three remarkably peaceful days with the family, got some much craved brother time, hugged on a niece, saw again the breathtaking beauty of the Grand Canyon, and headed home with three VERY happy kids...


Then a friend called me somewhere around Salt Lake City on my drive home.  She said she had been thinking of me and needed to read me this from James 1 (how she knew perseverance was the theme of the trip, I don't know) :

Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds,  because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance.  Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.  If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him.  But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind.  That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord;  he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does.


...This morning I woke up, in my own bed finally, after restless dreams. Worry, fear, stress- the theme of the night.  My mind immediately went to the dysfunctional secret place in my heart- that I've only shared with one other.  The place that is comfortable only because it's familiar, but has nothing of life or hope for me.  In the shower I heard in my head: "As a dog returns to its vomit, so a fool repeats his folly." Prov 26:11  The day was dark, gloomy, cloudy.  Will I learn?  Will I change?  Will I get this far to forget what God is teaching me?  Will I have to repeat the pain?


I refuse to.  I will not settle in.  I will finish, with patience/perseverance, the race that is set before me- looking to Jesus, the author and finisher of my faith....


With all this driving and thinking and solving, I know what I want.  I know what I'm praying for.  Now, it's time to finish preparing my field for the rain.

That Four Letter Word

Perseverance was the roaming word of the day in my mind.  Earlier in the week I tried to sit down and start the week's challenge.  Once again I REALLY didn't like what the guy wanted me to do.  I checked the box of "doing something" and chose a different set of verses to use for the exercise.  But... over the last four days I have been haunted by what I was supposed to do:

Using 1 Corinthians 13:4-8, spend some time slowly reading (multiple times, mind you) each phrase.  Write down words or phrases that stand out to you.  Repeat them, pray about them, think about other verses that come to mind while you're reading them.... blah, blah, blah.

Yep, that's me rolling my eyes, squirming, being extremely evasive.  You know, I've given this stuff more than a month.  I'm good.  I've learned a lot about myself.  I'm fairly happy, well-adjusted.  I can coast this week.  In fact, Christmas is right around the corner, I'm busy, have a lot on my mind, I'll get back on task next week...  Besides, it's not like I did NOTHING this week, I just used a different verse.

So, "perseverance" is again, the word I'm fighting tonight.  "Remember?  Just this week, I told you I am trustworthy Collene",  I hear in my head.  "But God, it's another bumper sticker/poster phrase.  Worse- it's the WEDDING one.  I cannot do this...."  "Persevere Collene".

So, I obeyed.

Here it is, in case you're the only person on the planet that doesn't know it:  

"Love is patient, love is kind.  It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.  Love never fails..."

My stomach is in knots.  I'm sad and mad and... REALLY mad.  I probably won't be having another wedding, ever, but if I do, this will not be what is read.  Mark my words. 

Now here's where this blog gets a little dicey for me.  I wrestle with the fact that I have no idea who actually reads this, if anyone.  I also have no idea how my processing these things impacts the reader.  I have no desire to hurt or disrespect anyone.  I do, however, feel like it's necessary to be genuine- otherwise what's the point?  My marriage- in fact none of my romantic relationships, resembled this definition of love.  In addition, the relationships with some extended family members and church friends, failed big in the same way.   I recognize that people aren't perfect.  In fact, I've done my best as a wife, in-law, mother, daughter, sister, friend, to resemble those love qualities to the best of my ability- and have still fallen way short at times.  Whatever, some of that's over.  My disillusions, however, are holding steady.

Okay, tonight I did what I was supposed to. While I was thinking about the phrases that stuck out to me and "what's the point", I remembered a conversation I had with my good friend (the one that spanked me good the other day, actually) just this September.  She said:  "Collene, if a good looking, respectful, incredible guy did come along and try to love you, you would find a way to reject, sabotage, push him away."  I looked at her like she was crazy.  Why would I do that?  Nonsense.  She persisted "you are unwilling to accept it from anyone as it is, including from God- and His love is perfect."  THEN, ladies and gentlemen, she gave me recent examples!  Well now, I'm not sure why I keep her around anymore... except that I love mirrors.  I love directness.  Honesty.  And, because she really does "get" me, and I don't want to be this way anymore.  She was really loving me that morning.

At the end of the exercise the guy had us go back through and, because "God is Love", put the word "God" in the place of "Love"...  God is patient, God is kind.  He does not envy, He does not boast. God is not proud, God is not rude, God is not self-seeking, God is not easily angered, God keeps no record of wrongs, God does not delight in evil, but rejoices with truth. God always protects, trusts, hopes, perseveres, God never fails."

This is going to take some practice, but tonight I know I need to start accepting His perfect, patient, protecting, pursuing, honest, enduring, L-O-V-E.  Then, maybe- just maybe- if eventually, Prince Charming shows up, I might just be ready to let him l-o-v-e me too...

Joy For The Moment

Having made it through the waterfall and near drowning of last week,  I have begun Week 5 of my little journey of challenges.  I'll be honest here:  I'm feeling pretty good these days, floating in peaceful waters!  I find myself unsure of how to function this way.  Yes.  That is dysfunctional! 

I had so many days in a row of actual lightheartedness, I began to instinctively throw up walls of protection again. I didn't see it myself.  Thank God for a good friend, again.  She gently- or was it boldly, directly, firmly gave me the verbal spanking I needed.  She's right:  I'm used to living in the future-  always prepping for disaster, forgetting to be thankful for right now, not able to trust the joy or excitement I feel, even about silly stuff, constantly waiting for the bottom to fall out.  Why?  I had recent examples of why this "prepping" makes sense, but I had no idea when or why I started living this way.  I didn't really have the energy to care at the time, but I figured that this would be the process of the week.

The morning started out with the word TRUST once again making the rounds of my thoughts.  The phrases "afflicted in every way, but not crushed", "perplexed, but not driven to despair", "persecuted, but not abandoned", "struck down, but not destroyed" were also making the rounds...

This brought me to this evening. I was minding my own business- making deposits in different accounts, doing (yet again) tire maintenance, paying a bill or two, returning calls, when it hit me:  It has been 19 years this Christmas, since I sustained my first major internal injury. This thought was so loud in my head, I actually said "God WHY?" out loud in my car. 

The "why" I never investigated at the time.  In fact, I spent the next five years pretending the incident never even happened.  It seemed so much less complicated that way.  When finally, I was forced to confront the situation, I deflected.  There were other people who needed support and I was the strong one.

Over the years I have not been afraid of the facts of that night.  I am never specific, but I don't have to be. I told my story a time or two, when I felt like it would benefit someone. Then there were the times I told my story to the ones I trusted most.  I was hoping to be known, understood, fully accepted by them.  Instead, I was accused,  shot at, struck down, rejected, unprotected. With that kind of price tag, it felt it was much easier to shove the hurt a little deeper, pull up my boot straps and keep marching...
 
In many ways I feel like the woman I became, does not know, never met, that 15 year old girl.  I can recite her history, but I generally do not allow myself to feel her insecurity, fear, anger, or pain. Instinctively I have trained myself to anticipate, distrust, doubt, fear, push, before I ever feel that unprotected again.

The cool thing about tonight, is that I don't hurt as I'm writing this.  I also don't feel numb.  I feel peace.  I know that I can trust that this will be healed from the inside out.  The "why" doesn't really matter.  Those that I trusted, who took the shots at me, don't matter much anymore- have lost their power over me. I will one day, very soon, be functioning completely in the here and now with joy for the moment.  I will not be crushed.  I will not despair.  I will not be forsaken.  I will not be destroyed.