If you've been reading this blog, or sitting in my salon chair, or meeting me for coffee dates for any amount of time recently, you also know that one of my new favorite things is pursuing my life's purpose and intentionally, systematically, destroying the distractions and pursuits that have had chains on me that keep me from fulfilling that purpose. So, I've spent a considerable amount of time assessing those "loves", as well as others, to find exactly where they come from and what kind of hold they have over my life.
Those considerations over these last few weeks brought me to this weekend, in which I did a thing. The thoughts and intents of my heart, met with the talent and careful documentation of a friend, have now become something of a tangible "thing" I can share out loud here. Again, this blog will serve as a pile of stones in the wilderness to mark my growth and healing progress.
Hebrews 12:1-2 has become somewhat of a theme this year, and as scripture will do, various elements of the verses have engraved themselves on my heart throughout the recent month's and week's seasons:
"Therefore since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight and sin which clings so closely, and so easily entangles and ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking unto Jesus the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him, endured the cross despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God."
"Endurance" has it's own blog opportunity, as do "for the joy", "looking to Jesus", and "author and perfecter". However, as I've highlighted (and expanded) for you, this weekend I was ready to address "lay aside every weight" and to become snare-free in order to run the next leg of this race I've been invited to.
I usually have thousands of words that need to be sorted, organized and narrowed into something consumable... This time I was blessed to be on a camera date with my friend of 17 years + forever, owner of Brietta Photography, Britt Eben. She honored my process and held my heart by documenting this for me, and for you.
Britt is the sister that did not get our last name. She served as the Maid of Honor in my wedding five years ago and has been at nearly every important Sears Family event since they day we met. She has collected barrels of tears and spoken chapters of truth over my life for these thousands of days. Britt is very comfortable in the uncomfortable and knows how to be silent and when to speak. She has an infectious laugh and an incredible spirit of peace. This day was like that; we'll let the camera tell most of the story:
Often our photo adventures of the past have required us to go well beyond the manicured trail for the best angled shot. Early on, we discovered we were never wearing the correct shoes for the environment of these little photo shoots, so it became an intentional part of the adventure to wear #inappropriatefootwear for our #inappropriatefootwearseries. Admittedly, we are years behind on keeping up the hashtag, clearly that needs remedying as our talent (and shoe collection) has grown since the last post, but I digress...
Initially I saw Saturday as a fabulous opportunity to renew the Footwear Adventure, except that the shoes I chose have meaning and emotional ties that needed severing in order for me to "lay aside every entanglement"; Britt chose to simply follow my lead and leave her inappropriate shoes at home.
As I stepped out on the water, I imagined the hours, days, months, years of stepping "out of the boat", into the storm, to meet my Savior in the dark that I had finally become accustomed to. It occurred to me that he had met me there, in the tears, in the anger, in the fear, in the jealousy, in the anguish---
Every. Single. Time.
I am so loved! There is so much FREEDOM in making these decisions, one at a time, to test him and to find him faithful!
Those amazing shoes may still be resting there, waiting to bless the next girl who has to have them, yet free of the hurtful words they've heard and the sadness they've carried.
Next, our adventure required a funeral of sorts. I was prepared for the "laying aside" portion, I was not prepared for the emotions that washed over me as I walked away...
I loved that dress. More than the dress, I love the memories brought about by seeing it again, by touching it. In these photos, the images you can't see in my mind are of two of my three daughters in the car on the way to the dress shop, the third on the phone from Minnesota- all there to help me choose the perfect lace.
My best friends knew the dress, and the reason for it, was a blessing and a provision. I remembered their affirmation and heard their chatter as they helped get me ready that day.
Then, there was the sound of my dad saying on my wedding day, his 65th birthday, "Little Girl, I'm proud of you"...
As I sat there I knew, this specific marriage itself was a prize, a gift, a calling-into by the Father- I still have no doubt, and in fact that becomes clearer the more days that pass. I was not expecting the moment of this photo shoot to be the moment he taught me something of himself...
He gives and takes away. Will I still choose to say "blessed be the name of the Lord"? And sitting there Saturday looking back at my dress and the memories of the day and the people that made it possible, I realized something pivotal to my healing process and to my understanding of Jesus's suffering and calling and to the character of God the Father:
He gives and it is a blessing. And when he takes away, it is a blessing, even when- no especially when- that gift given and the thing taken are the very same thing.
I am not flippant in those words, please understand, especially if you are in the midst of your own "taken away" loss. I may not ever fully understand the "why", but I see something more important than knowing "why" happening here. Let me try to explain with a different photo (this time from Brooke Moore Photography, August 11, 2013):
This is one of my favorite photos of that day. It's a favorite because I clearly remember my thoughts as I stood exactly there holding my daddy's hand. I looked down the aisle at the four people I would be making a vow to God about, I knew that what I was about to do was waaaaayyyyyy bigger than me. I whispered, "help me love them like you do, Jesus, I trust you." Then on September 11, 2018 as I held the marriage dissolution papers in my hands, for the first time I realized that Jesus had answered that prayer...
The love of God is steadfast, faithful, compassionate, sacrificial and forever. The marriage kind of love he gave me, he has now mercifully taken away- blessed be the name, character, reputation, and complete authority of YHVH!
In its place, I now feel a new kind of love. I think it's the kind the savior must have felt for me in my rejection of him while he suffered, even unto death. It is still compassionate and steadfast, merciful even, yet its resolve is different in me now. I'm certain I could never put words on a screen that would explain it rightly, and I know I will continue to advocate for truth and healing and mercy, yet the chains of the death of it have fallen off and I am free!
The next portion of our photo adventure took Britt and I above the city to the angel on The Rims overlooking Rocky Mountain College's campus. It was a place we meandered upon years earlier during a photo adventure and has become a favorite place for me to think or to pray. It was also one of the first date locations for my then-boyfriend, now ex-husband. We had agreed to meet for an early morning bible study, which didn't actually happen, so we simply had coffee instead that day. Later it was the location for a mom and three daughters date day and photo shoot at the suggestion of my oldest bonus daughter...
It seemed like a fitting place to document the portions of scripture that had been shouting in my head since walking away from the dress:
Phillipians 3:7-14 "But what things were gain to me I have counted as loss for the sake of Christ. Yet indeed I also count all things loss for the excellence of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes not from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith- that I may know him and the power of his resurrection, and may share his sufferings, becoming like him in his death.... but I press on to make it my own because Christ Jesus has made me his own... one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead. I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.
I took a few photos that day too, mostly because I can't help myself. I want you to meet my friend Britt and I couldn't resist taking one last shot of my shoes too:
As a side note: the wedding shoes are now a burden to be carried on the back of that iron angel until the next girl comes along to receive their blessing....
(Brooke Moore Photography)
Ahhhhhhh, I loved those shoes!
