Take Heart

This week is dumb.  Actually, soothing and stabbing is a better way to describe it.  This is the week two years ago that my marital unraveling became public.  On this day in 2010 I signed a 6 month lease on my apartment and started the awful task of separating nearly 14 years of life together.  Superbowl Sunday 2010 was moving day. Most of the memories of the week are horrible to reflect on, but today I vividly remember that, somehow, I still had hope.

Also this week, in 2011, I went in front of the judge with the stack of thoughtfully, tearfully, lovingly, (expensively) crafted details of what life is supposed to look like, legally speaking, for us from now on.  She signed them with barely a glance, hardly a question- ending 4 days, 4 months shy of 14 years of my life.  I was the first case that day.  There would be no way to over exaggerate the sadness of that morning.  I went directly to work following court.  I had a brand new client, I needed to be professional, creative, witty, charming.  There would be time for tears later.  My first client that day was a godsend.  Another example of a gracious, protecting Father- who has been moving people in and out of my life, just in time,with just the right words.  And I had hope.

This week in 2012 began with another end.  This time, soothing, stabbing, awful, okay.  I'm not ready to shout out loud, but maybe I can find the strength to whisper the words of the song in my head all day:

...

So take heart

Let His love lead us through the night
Hold on to hope
And take courage again

In death by love
The fallen world was overcome
He wears the scars of our freedom
In His Name
All our fears are swept away
He never fails

... 

All our failure
And all our fear
God our love
He has overcome
All our heartache
And all our pain
God our healer
He has overcome

I'll get through this week just like I did last year, the year before, next year: One step in faith at a time. I haven't been consumed by this refining fire yet.  God's love has not failed, has not given up, has not run out on me!  I still have hope.

Philippians 4:8 "Finally brothers, whatever is true, whatever things are noble, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any virtue or anything praiseworthy, think about these things."

Maybe I'll Get a Cat

I've started blogging twice this month, early on.  I couldn't collect thoughts or emotions.  I was sad, then exhausted, then sick, then busy... Now another month has dropped off the calendar and I'm feeling stuck again.  I guess I have progressed some since I last wrote, but it's a creeping, snails pace, growth.  Barely measurable really.  This week I had two friends blog about me.  Okay, not really about ME, but it's like they both had a window into my soul.  Reading their words, I have started to feel less stuck. (On an interesting side note, I just remembered that they were the girls that sang in my wedding a hundred billion years ago.  I wonder if they remember... Quite honestly, that was the most beautiful portion of my wedding.  Trust me, I've watched the video.)

This week has been very strange for me emotionally.  Two things are simultaneously happening:  I am completely loving my new life.  I am completely sad, again, that I'm forced to be living it. Also this week, I should mention that my "problems" are incredibly insignificant, as I have two close friends dealing with separate, devastating situations.  So, since I can't sleep, I'll write...

Maybe, since emotions can't be trusted anyway, I'll go back to what I now know with a mustard seed sized faith:

1- The narratives about myself and God that I have previously believed, are twisted and skewed,  making them untrue. (The replacing of them with the corrected version is a work in progress...)
2- God is good.  The closed doors, the no's, the "thou shalt nots", flow from a motive of love and protection, not from an iron fist that expects perfection.
3- God can be trusted, even in the chaos of the winds of change.
4- I am being shaped, gently, patiently, into someone I am not ashamed of, for a purpose.
5- God is pursuing me.  Because I am worth pursuit- in His eyes, at least.  I'm still struggling with this in other ways.
6- Living legalistically is superstitious.  The rules won't make me happy or protect me from a little chaos.
7- I have amazing blessings, that I didn't earn.
8- God loves me enough to not let me go, even when I push Him away.
9- Love was redefined for me.
10- Wrath is being redefined...

Admittedly, the love and the wrath chapters of my challenge are what have had me stuck.  It was a 9 week deal.  I did 6.  Or, I sort of did 6.  I skimmed the 6th and found that it wasn't scary once I got into it, but rather, overwhelming.  My group is done with the chapters, but I'm not.  I will finish.  I don't quit, but I still fear or resist for some reason.  I don't know why. 

I think the reason I haven't been able to write this month is because I haven't been able to figure out a way to write what's really on my heart.  I can't seem to move on in the challenge until I do...

Ugh!  So, if my sweet, young, friend is able to blog about it as a widow, I can get the courage to blog about it as a divorced girl:  Dating, after.

Mostly what's "out there" is exactly what I imagined.  Or worse.  Mostly.  Okay, mind you,  I haven't dated much, period... but at first my "picker" wasn't very skilled.  In the spring I honed more of my what-I-sure-as-heaven-and-hell-don't-want list, than anything.  Things started looking up this summer.  At a parade I ran into a friend I've known since I was 12.  Later we hung out.  He was safe.  Honest.  Fun.  Not it.  I will probably hang out with him in the future, but this time it won't be a "date".

Within a week of that, I met another.  A kid really.  Almost seven years younger.  Weird for me, but my sister-in-law is that much older than my brother, so whatev, right?  Um, no.  WAAAAAY too... no.  Just no.  Made a great first impression, but bombed big time.  Then turned crazy.  The instinct NOT to let a guy pick me up for a date paid off on this one...

Next up:  The new standard.  Honest.  Familiar.  Respectful.  Hilarious. Intelligent.  Deep.  Hard Working.  Single (you'd be surprised girls, the married ones are bold these days)... Did I mention looks?  No, well, that doesn't matter too much I guess.  A solid 5.  Okay 6.  Either way, this time I'm not the one that moved on.

I've met others since:  The set up... no.  I'm already a mom, don't plan to be a 30 something's mom for another 20 years. (FYI- I won't be regulating beer intake for my sons by then either, even if they ask me to like this guy did.)  The sledding guy, no.  Call me for a date.  Don't text me for days about your kids... I was already bored by the time he got around to asking.  Good thing I'm SUPER busy at work.... kind of.

For now, I've just decided maybe I'm still broken in some way.  I feel okay, emotionally stable.  (Well, I'm still female, but you know what I mean)... But we're blind to our blind spots, right?  Of course the over-thinker in me has analyzed myself and my situation to death.  I recognize what I am and what I am not.  I know that I am a risky choice.  A failure at marriage.  A ready made family.  (A friend refers to them as my bonus people, which is SO TRUE, they are great people, but if the poor guy hasn't met them, how would he know?) Oh, and the fun fact that there's no option for me to have more kids.  I'm strong.  I'm strong willed.  I'm direct, which apparently is intimidating.   I want the opportunity to allow the softer/vulnerable me to be seen. I want to be a lady, protected, trusted, understood, appreciated, led...  I'm guessing that some of this won't come easy for me at this point, but I crave that kind of security.

I don't have the heart to casually date lots of different people.  Emotions inevitably get messy for someone.  I don't use people, even just for a good time.  I don't feel up to playing games, so I'm out.  For now.  I have kids and plans and goals and trips to take and friends with REAL needs. And, I guess, more work to do on me.

P.S.  I don't want cats.