How's That Again?: September 2012

The "crucible-ed-ness" of the summer has waned, leaving more time for the internal construction zone, that is my heart and mind, to pick up the pace. In fact, the work is being done around the clock. If you've ever had to remodel a portion of an old house, you'll understand the excitement I feel. Here's why:

I told you the other day that I've had "Grace" mingling with a couple of other words in my head all month. "Mercy", and "Kindness" rounded out the trio. My old friends "Redemption" and "Repentance" made cameo appearances again too.

There's nothing more frustrating than living in a house that desperately needs repairs. Tearing out a kitchen or a bathroom and still being required to function daily in those spaces is frustrating and crippling.

I told a friend the other day that I feel somewhat like my heart's kitchen is torn out. The refrigerator is still in there, along with the food and necessities for daily living, but the sink is missing. The water is turned off, the counters and cupboards are not set. I've been making do with random utensils and even eating out. A lot. Thankfully, I've gotten a glimpse at what the Contractor has ordered for me. I. Can't. Wait! When I'm up and running, my heart's kitchen will be bigger, more beautiful, more functional and completely able and willing to host some fantastic shindigs.

This week, I wandered through the pile of fixtures that have been torn out of my heart's kitchen. UGLY! Survivable, maybe, but ugly. While I took stock of what exactly is being changed in me, I started trying to recall just how it all started. It's been a year exactly, this week, since I called on the Contractor to begin His remodel. Let's skip over most of the details of how, for now, and proceed to the why...

Prior to that week last September, I was stupid. No, really, really, stupid! I was also defensively constructing walls around my stupidity, even though I knew, fully, that I was being stupid. I knew that my thoughts, decisions, and actions, would never hold up under the scrutiny of, well... anyone. I didn't want to keep being stupid, but I didn't know how to correct my stupidity. Defensiveness was my only option.

Until...

Somewhere in the recesses of my heart a barely audible pulse of hope started beating. A conversation that started with "God would never_______ for someone like me", was proven to be a false statement. God did that thing, for me, that week. Then there were soft whispers in my mind and heart that formed sentences that I recognized. Bible verses, actually. Rusty memorization from decades before, with no references, started to permeate my thoughts. Then conversations with a virtual stranger, laced with the compassion I had always craved, but never dared to seek... I was challenged. I was changed. I was shown mercy. I was safe. I started to crave bold honesty about my stupidity. For the first time in my life, I didn't feel like I needed to justify my mistakes; their power over me began to lose it's grip.

This week, as I mentally walked through the old part of my heart, I'll admit I briefly forgot about the remodel going on inside. The powerful grip those things had over me tried to again condemn me. As usual, because of the Kindness of the Lord, that led me to Repentance in the first place, I was reminded that those chains are broken. There's no going back. No other kind of life will do, anymore.

Oh, and you might like these. Look them up, turn them up, and listen...

This week's Construction Zone Soundtrack:
.....

Afraid to let your secrets out
Everything that you hide
Can come crashing through the door now
But too scared to face all your fear
So you hide but you find
That the shame won't disappear

Sparks will fly as grace collides
With the dark inside of us
So please don't fight
This coming light
Let this blood come cover us
His blood can cover us

This is where the healing begins, oh
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark

(Tenth Avenue North "Healing Begins")

And also:
...

Oh, can you hear, hear mercy sing
She cries to bitter hearts, end your suffering
Oh, please let go, give up your fight
Holding back your love, it never made things right

Grace, only grace
Can roll your dead heart’s stone away
Grace, only grace
Can move us to a rhythm that will change our way

(T.A.N "Grace")

And finally, a new one to me this week:
...

All my life I have been called unworthy
Named by the voice of my shame and regret
But when I hear You whisper, "Child lift up your head"
I remember, oh God, You're not done with me yet

I am redeemed, You set me free
So I'll shake off these heavy chains
Wipe away every stain, now I'm not who I used to be

(Big Daddy Weave "Redeemed")

Goodnight, my friend, and thank you for sticking with me this year.

I held a newborn today.

I inhaled his sweet, mommy-crack, fresh baby, fragrance. I felt him stretch his teeny bum and then re-tuck his scrawny legs under himself- to my chest. He grunted and squirmed and peeked at me through one, barely open eye. He stuck his lip out and tucked his face to my neck. Oh-my-goodness, I'm in love! For a few minutes I stared at his sweet, innocent, perfect face and features. Wild, dark hair, perfect ears, button nose... He has NO idea the tears, prayers, faith, hope and intense love his sweet little life is responsible for. He may never.

I tried to remember my own newborns, but my mind is cob-webbed. So, I watched his new momma. She, in her sleep deprived, postpartum fog, watched her little boy with pride and love-filled eyes as he passed from one set of arms to the next. I can't decide if my favorite thing was holding him or watching her...

As we chatted, laughed, cooed, told stories about our own kids, pretended not to have a lump in our throats and imparted bits of hard earned mothering wisdom to our newest mom club member, I couldn't help but hear again one of the flickering words of September:

Grace

Incidentally, accidentally, it's my daughter's name, twice. Her first name, Hannah, means "Grace" or "God has favored me". Her middle name is Grace meaning "God's favor or blessing".

Mr. Webster uses synonyms such as: forgiveness, charity, mercifulness, lenity, leniency, reprieve, kindness, kindliness, love, benignity.

I thought, briefly, about the billions of mistakes I've made in each of my children's lives since they were 7lbs. I tried not to project the millions more I'll make before their 18th birthdays. Instead, as I watched the baby sleep and thought about my own kids' tiny fingers in mine and chubby arms around my neck, I marveled. "...Be gracious toward yourself", I told the new mom, "you've never been a mom before." Huh. I hadn't either, before I had an infant, or a toddler, or a kindergartner, or a teenager... I need to take my advice. Their, less-chubby, arms still willingly hug my neck, their less-tiny fingers still wrap around mine.

I don't deserve it, but I've got it- this momma's grace. For that, I am beyond amazed and forever grateful.

Soooooo, bear with me as I get a little nostalgic, I had to dig up a few memories of my favorite newborns: