If We Are The Body

This morning my time in the "secret place" of prayer and journaling and bible reading was so rich! I sat down to type this and as I was about to hit the "publish" button my phone rang. It was my new friend that I told you about the other day, who's teaching voice has been familiar to me for months. Until two weeks ago she didn't know I existed, but because of the power of her discernment during that last call I instantly knew this was my "wait" sign from Abba regarding the publishing of the blog.

After a goofy joke, she launched into her message for me. She had two things to say. Those two things filled an additional five pages in my hand-written, college ruled, full sized notebook journal. It also took 1 hour and 58 minutes to convey- using three different languages to develop it. It blows me away how much what she had to tell me, matched much of what I had already written here, in my bible, and in my journal this morning. If I didn't know she simply has complete connection with the Lord and is obedient to say the "weird" things to a complete stranger when he moves her to, rather than eyes in my window, I'd be a bit creeped out.

Following that phone call I needed to run a few errands with one of my kids and then prepare to attend a funeral. I knew I didn't have time to revise this blog while those thoughts were still fresh and I worried I would forget what I needed to remember. No worries there however; it turns out the lessons are woven tightly through my life experiences these days and the funeral solidified the message.

What my new friend had to say pointed out that the initial blog attempt was not wrong, but was woefully undeveloped. I plan to do my best to fix it now; you may need to get comfy...

=======================================

After hearing the personal testimony of healing, restoration and an established-by-God purpose, of a super-hero-to-me husband and wife ministry couple I had just met, I prayed a life altering prayer in the center of my living room floor. Their own testimony of faith and God-sized love for each other included sharing a prayer they committed to, using the example of one of King David's prayers. They challenged me to do the same; this is what I boldly asked for on December 17, 2017:

"Father, reveal the hidden sins in me and in us, both those that we have committed against you and those that have been committed against us that still hold us each in bondage; then help my husband and I to understand love the way you do it. Draw us both closer to you in intimacy as individuals and then unite us together in deeper intimacy in marriage. Establish in us the ministry you called us together to do. Show us individually that nothing else matters outside of what you've purposed us to be."

The next day, just over 24 hours later, seemingly the opposite played out in that same living room. In tears I asked the Lord the "whats" and the "whys" of the event and I felt the Spirit breathe the answer over me:

"I'm answering your prayer Collene."

Thus began my own solo journey to the throne of the King who has graciously offered to know me and to be known by me.

I haven't thought about that word "intimacy" much over these nine months, minus four days, since I prayed that prayer. "Steadfast love" is the closest my thoughts and studies have gotten to the word, but that particular concept is potentially one-sided; God loves me steadfastly even when I ignore him.  He loves me with the same steadfastness when I cling to him...

While there has been an expectation of my understanding, then following after my Teacher in modeling steadfastness, this morning it occurred to me that "steadfastness" isn't enough. Because it is  merely one of the "love characteristics" of the Father, to be satisfied with a potentially one-sided love would be a major travesty to any developing relationship.

Now that I've come to recognize the pattern of the Father's teaching and subsequent changing of me by using repetition of words or phrases, I took note when the word "intimacy" came up nearly every day at my salon and in conversations with friends this week. I was never the one that said it first, and each time I heard it the Holy Spirit reminded me of my December prayer.

People usually equate the word immediately with sex. Often is used to "appropriately" or discreetly reference the act for those of a certain age group or personality type. However, it doesn't take much thought to realize there is a whole lot of sex that isn't intimate and a whole lot of intimacy that has nothing to do with sex. Intimacy requires two to participate and is a graduate level class and has always been present in every true love story ever told.

So, my thoughts rolled over the word and then retrieved the word "love", this time without the steadfast attachment. If we claim salvation and forgiveness from our sins in and because of Christ, there is no getting around the biblical concept of exchanging of our brokenness and filthy "rags" of behavior for his wholeness and new behavior. We are to trade our desires for his and scripture is very clear: Of all the things we put on, put off, choose, choose not, LOVE is the number one priority. There are verses about loving God first (easy to do, when you understand his character and know him the way he wants to be known) and others next. That's it. It's simple, right?

Right. Except when... there's a long list of kinds of people that are nearly impossible to love based on the surface behaviors and historical choices coupled with a poor grasp on what God actually means when he uses the word. I've already developed on the blog what the actual definition of love is as it pertains to the one-sided, steadfast, choice of God and requirement of the true followers of the Messiah as found in 1 Corinthians 13. Let's go deeper and get a better grasp, shall we?

The related thoughts pertaining to love as a verb, rather than an emotional high or a currency to transact relational "business", brought back to mind the concept of the "body of Christ". It is no secret to those of us who have sat under any amount of bible teaching, that there is a maddening-to-some bumper-sticker phrase- "we are the body of Christ"- that is wildly under-developed in terms of practical, useful, definition. Most of us understand "feet" and "hands" as the "go" and "do" of ministry, but very few of us know how, when, where, and for whom...

Because I'm a visual learner I started picturing a body with only a bunch of hands and feet. Ridiculous. So I imagined the knees, the mouth, the shoulders, the spine of Christ. Maybe those are the pray-ers, the teachers, the burden bearers, the lobbyists... then I imagined the ears and the familiar "voice" in my spirit confirmed: "DING DING DING, that's IT Collene! I'm asking you to be my ears right now!"

I began to remember the times in my relationships that the most "closeness" was developed. For me, BY FAR, because I'm a natural talker, I feel most loved when I'm listened to. When I feel heard, I feel  trust begin to build... The more trust, the more talking, the more open, the more vulnerable...

Ugh, that's the word I've wrestled with for years. It's a word that was used in a gentle chiding conversation with a friend a few days ago in context of my potential emotional fragility. "Vulnerable" in that regard is where the enemy of my heart wants me. When I've trusted and it has been used against me, I've determined to flex the restraint muscles on my jaw and hush my heart and hide my needs and solve my own fears and put on my stomping boots and get through "it" alone. I've chosen over the years to cut myself off from the so-called "body of Christ", at least in it's Americanized traditional sense. Some of the body's mouths bite, rather than teach and some of the hands hit rather than "do".

I came to a realization somewhat recently that IF God is going to answer the "establish the ministry" portion of my prayer, vulnerability is a must in order for the "body" to work together appropriately. This morning's phone call expanded that understanding. If I'm going to have the "understand and experience intimacy" portion of the prayer answered, I'm going to have to get WIDE open. Okay. I want that, but I'm scared. I'm tired of the firing squad, frankly.

My new friend heard my angst and changed the word, giving me a synonym: Transparent.

I like that better, it sounds stronger. "Vulnerable" tastes like "weak" on my tongue. Any girl that's been kicked around, or neglected, or left unprotected, or had her boundaries crossed, needs never to feel weak. She must provide for herself and never ask for help. However, "transparent" gives me a very strong option of opening the curtains into my soul. I get to choose to show you my injuries and my fears and my gifts and my darkness.

Then my friend uttered the very same prayer of King David that the December couple had encouraged me with: "Search me God and know my heart, test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting." Psalm 139:23-24

This kind of prayer reveals the crooked ways in a person. Perfect love helps to straighten the ways that are bent. Then my friend said this: "Intimacy requires vulnerability, transparency, to be searchable by the one who loves and who you love. It is the kind of thing that leads to conflict and even wars. There is crookedness in all of us and the weak run from being seen. It takes a very strong person to stand the test of inspection by God. Only strong people get to have the gift of intimacy."

My heart and every cell in my body wants to give and receive that kind of love!

And then, I told you I went to a funeral...

A brand new teenager was lost to her own hopelessness- a victim of a sneaky serpent lie. The message was given; A Hope That Does Not Disappoint. The speaker had a school full of 7th graders' full attention as he described the "hopeless" agenda of our enemy in this current culture. A plea was made to this generation to be in relationship with Jesus, the one who bore the shame and took the pain for them and you and me... and then to be in real relationship with each other- to bring hope back to the culture and the generation...

And as I sat there absorbing the words and the pain, "intimacy" again screams in my head.

I'm frustrated because there's a Suicide Prevention Awareness 5k fundraiser this weekend in this city and while I'm sure there will be many "feet" in attendance, I can't help but know in my gut that it's not sufficient to save the next of our sons or daughters or mothers or fathers from the lie. Money doesn't give hope. Lectures don't bring hope. Posters and banners and screen-printed t-shirts DO. NOT. BRING. HOPE.

What if the body of Christ chose to take Paul's words seriously in 2 Corinthians 12 and actually started actively "boasting in their weakness" and trusting that, like he said, Christ would be the sufficiency and strength- even in the midst of the insults, hardships, persecutions and calamities brought by the firing squads? I wonder if that would make me approachable, relatable, my testimony usable?

Perfect love that destroys fear, overflowing from the spirit and soul of a real Christ follower in a real intimate relationship, using transparency and steadfastness, is the only vehicle in which HOPE is delivered to a wounded soul.

This is the answer to the "establish the ministry" part of the prayer.

If you join me in choosing this weakness boasting and then go out with me and be an ear, or a set of eyes on top of a shoulder connected with a hand, I think the parts of us could start to function like a real body. Maybe then these children wouldn't die and they wouldn't be left wide open to traffickers or ritual abusers or addictions or homelessness or scary unplanned pregnancies to be faced alone and maybe their moms and dad and grandparents could sip out of that same cup of HOPE and we together could change the world... if none go with me, I still will follow.

Google Image

The Birth of the Blessing Season

For several days I've been working on three separate posts here. I've been sipping from spiritual firehoses again and I've been trying to shape something readable as a benchmark of this season of my life. However, the gentle Spirit of God has held the reins a little tighter than normal and has not allowed me to publish my essays about how he has walked me through meandering thoughts and lessons on "seasons," "suffering," "overflowing love," "being peace," "being immovable," "standing firm," "humility," and the "joy that comes the morning."

It's a little daunting to keep sitting at my computer early morning, after late night, after mid-afternoon to figure out what exactly I'm supposed to be getting out of all of this. What is the one simplified prize I could declare to you (us)?

I woke up Saturday, September 8th with a heaviness I couldn't understand. I had been to divorce court first thing Friday morning and had been elated to announce that my divorce had been delayed until mid-to-late October because my husband's attorney had no-showed. The appropriate signed paperwork had never been filed by their side in response to my petition to separate rather than dissolve our marriage. Because my husband was not required to be there, the court (a VERY sweet-to-me Standing Master) had found it all so confusing and was inclined to grant my separation. She held off, pending hearing further from them.

Also occurring Saturday, was my involvement with a fundraiser 5K for a non-profit human trafficking safe house that has become a personally precious ministry to me. I was joined by a handful of old friends and a hundred-and-something new ones. I had every reason to be joyful, and I was... except for that nagging heaviness under the surface of my heartbeat.

By Sunday I was falling on my face in prayer throughout the day. The spiritual pain was starting to come in waves. It was the same burdened, almost cramping feeling that comes with labor pain- but in my chest. Sunday night to Monday morning I was out of bed every few hours to feel the cold floor on my forehead. I didn't even have words to pray, only silent agony. I'm not usually silent, except in labor, actually. (I know it's weird, but this isn't the movies and it's just the truth for me.)

By mid-day I was in the straight-up "transition phase." I may be under-explaining the physical (although, clearly not medical, for all you sweet nurse friends of mine) heart cramps and near breathlessness. By this time, there was at least something tangible happening to explain some of the distress- in the form of an online, heartbreaking exchange with a loved one and a few dozen lookie-lous. Still, my maturity and intellect could absorb and explain the harshness of those words and choices made by a younger, less experienced soul and it was clear within a few hours that this was not the source of the pain.

Monday night I received a phone call, for the first time ever, from a new friend. Her voice has been familiar for months because I have been watching her online teachings of God's word in fascinating ways, almost weekly, since the beginning of this whole ordeal. We met randomly, awkwardly even, a couple of weeks ago in a state more than 1,500 miles from either of our homes. She wasn't even there to teach...  Maybe someday I'll tell you about those details, but tonight the phone call is all that matters to this story.

As soon as I picked up the phone my new friend began to speak and health, teaching, love, scripture and discernment poured off her lips and flowed over my life. She then prayed by far the most scripturally "in tune" prayer over me that I had ever heard. We both were in tears.

Prior to that call, I had not ever had the opportunity to tell her a single sentence of my life details. Not my testimony, facts about my family of origin, my current family situation or what I'm most passionate about in life. She didn't know I had lost my father to cancer or how I make my living. However, the woman breathed life over every detail of my suffering before knowing a single fact.

After an hour and 41 minutes we were both needing to wrap up the conversation; she suddenly remembered why she had called! THAT, my friends, is obedience to the Spirit's leading. I want to be like her when I grow up!

This morning I again had the birth pain feeling, but my emotions were not so intensely involved. I felt like the "water" had broken in the early hours of the morning and now the heart-contractions were producing something. Sorry guys, it's the only way I know how to describe it. I had joyful chats, grief filled hugs and lighthearted exchanges with my clients. By the time I got home this evening I was in a peaceful place, like I imagine an epidural would feel; Still pressure, no pain.

I got my mail. There was a package from a beautiful friend I haven't met in person, but have enjoyed hours of phone conversations and text exchanges with. She sent me books, and a real-life handwritten letter, and a couple of copied days of a devotional.

There were a few bills.

There was a document from Yellowstone County Courthouse.

"Oh good," I thought as I noticed the address, "they set the trial date". I answered a friend's call at the same time. She has been at the hospital with her husband for a couple of days. I opened the envelope as I listened to the update about him.

There wasn't a date. I spoke to answer my friend while I simultaneously read out loud the cover page title: "DECREE OF DISSOLUTION OF MARRIAGE"

"I'm divorced," I told her quietly- bracing for emotions that never came.

And then, the relief of pain that comes with giving birth. I cannot explain it, but over and over I heard in my spirit "When (it) had died, David got up, washed his face, ate, and worshiped God"

I know I'm not directly quoting your personal favorite English translation of the story of the death of David and Bathsheba's son in 2 Samuel 12. I am also quite aware that my context is not about having a dead baby after 7 days of pleading for restoration of health, but rather the death of a marriage and a family of eight after 7 months, 5 days of separation, fasting, prayer and wise (and even some unwise) counsel... David knew that his son would die, yet he also knew he was supposed to ask for him to live. He fasted, wept, prayed, fasted, prayed, cried out, wept, fasted... agonized and distressed, he pleaded for life not to leave the precious thing he loved- the very thing he had been given by God himself. A few months ago when I was reading that, I could relate to that part, in every way. I could NOT relate in any way to his calm, accepting reaction to the loss...

Until today.

I haven't been able to escape the incredible JOY that replaced the heartache and "labor" pains of this weekend. There is such relief in the answer; not the answer from an angry hardened human, but from my tender and loving, merciful Abba! This is his good and perfect will for me in this season. It is not what I prayed for and it is not the end of the testimony for me. It is, however, the essence of seasonal change that I have blogged my "allergies" to for years here. I am starting to believe that the Healer, heals allergies...

You know what? I am okay; excited even! My father is on the throne, because NOTHING passes through my life without his approval. Not the gifts, not the pain, not the injustice, not the oppression, not the blessings. He gave, and he took away. Blessed be the holy character and powerful name of the Lord God Almighty, the one who knows me and who keeps me and who protects and defends me. My provider, my shelter, my stronghold... and now, my deliverer.

Please don't take my reaction as anything other than resolute faith that God will still do what he said he will do. He has spoken, he will do it. While he is doing that, the "hard way" apparently, I am free to dance in the showers.

Without the nonsense of my preaching these verses that have been marinating for weeks in my heart like I've attempted to do, I'll simply post them for what they are and let you see for yourself what I'm excited about...

Matthew 7:7-11

Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock and it will be opened to you. 

For everyone who asks receives, and to the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks it will be opened. 

Or which one of you, if his son asks him for bread will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a serpent? 

If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will you Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask him!

Ezekiel 34:25-27

I will make with them a covenant of peace and banish wild beasts from the land, so that they may dwell securely in the wilderness and sleep in the woods. 

And I will make them and the places all around my hill a blessing, and I will send down the showers in their season; and they shall be showers of blessing. 

And the trees of the field shall yeild their fruit, and the earth shall yield its increase, and they shall be secure in their land. And they shall know that I am the LORD, when I break the bars of their yoke, and deliver them from the hand of those who enslaved them.

And ESPECIALLY

Isaiah 61:1-4

The Spirit of the Lord GOD is upon me, because the LORD has anointed me to bring good news to the poor; 

he has sent me to bind up the broken-hearted, 

to proclaim liberty to the captives, 

and the opening of prison to those who are bound; 

to proclaim the year of the LORD's favor, and the day of vengeance of our God; 

to comfort all who mourn; to grant to those who mourn in Zion to give them a beautiful headdress instead of ashes, 

the oil of gladness instead of mourning, the garment of praise instead of a faint spirit; 

that they may be called oaks of righteousness, the planting of the LORD that he may be glorified.

They shall build up the ancient ruins; they shall raise up the former devastations; they shall repair the ruined cities, the deviations of many generations.