Take six. The previous five attempts at writing my heart have failed. I'm bursting with news and growth and am increasingly frustrated to be unable to give it all words... This morning, I thought I was grasping it, but it got muddy again this afternoon. It wasn't until I was able to verbalize some of these thoughts with my rock-solid dad tonight, that I had the encouragement I needed to try again:
The song continually leaving my lips today is "Amazing Grace (My Chains Are Gone)" by Chris Tomlin. This song, specifically, brings me back in my memories to three or four years ago- the beginning of this process of destruction-for-the-sake-of-restoration. In fact "restoration" is the flickering word that has become part of my, recently non-existent, but now intensifying, prayer life- which may be a topic for a future blog. For now the song of the day fits perfectly with the mental topic of the week and seems to be hand chosen (although it showed up randomly in my head today) for the verse I found earlier in the week:
In my anguish I cried to the LORD, and he answered by setting me free. Ps. 118:5
Some acts are unforgivable, right? Yup. And that's where I've been living for awhile now. I've spent years coping with pain by rewriting history in my head, avoiding certain thoughts, people, places, things...shoe shopping...Aside from the shoe collection, I had always felt that I've maintained a fairly healthy life, despite myself. Since I've been thrown head-long into the restoration phase, it's become apparent to me that this "coping" has really done nothing positive for me. In fact, the injuries I have ignored have been incredibly destructive to me and have played a huge role the the ridiculous narratives I've bought into for so long. Now, I personally feel like shouting from the proverbial mountain top, all that I know and remember, but this mentally revised history is not my story, alone, to tell, so I'll continue to remain vague. I think the truth of the matter will remain no less clear...
It never ceases to amaze me when conversations and little moments that are completely unrelated, string together behind the scenes to become strong enough to be a theme. In 32 days between April 1st and May 2, my feet touched the soil of 11 of these United States. As a result,
because I'm a teeny bit social and a lota bit chatty, I've had my share
of incredibly insightful, and seemingly completely unrelated, conversations over the last month. They all have been instrumental in bringing me to this place, on the corner of my couch, in the finally calming swirl of my mind tonight.
During that month of gallivanting, my 35th birthday happened. Because I have, somehow, fooled a LARGE
number of people into being my friends, the well wishes, flowers, cards,
meals, surprises and gifts continue to pour in... I am completely
delighted, yet in awe of this phenomenon. I have literally NEVER experienced such an outpouring of love, and I cannot say I'm disappointed!
The
actual day of my birthday was awful and wonderful all at once. The day
was spent assisting in the planning of and preparing for a funeral,
actually. Because those emotions are unprocessed, let's move on... That
day also brought connections with a friend as well as a family
member I've been REALLY missing... Along with those connections, came the realization that forgiveness is completely possible, even in some of the most unforgivable situations. Because the fingers of forgiveness are far reaching in every direction of my life, I will have to take the time to explain all of that in another blog someday also. Now, I'm feeling myself getting ready to rabbit trail here. (See? Fire-hose, informational processing overload!) Focus, Collene!
Okay, so all of these little birthday gifts and surprises have reinforced the fact: I LOVE surprises!!
Also during this month, a sweet
friend of mine is preparing a REALLY big surprise to give her husband
for their wedding anniversary in August. I'm her
assistant/cheerleader. She's BAD at surprises. In fact she's been
giving him hints already and we're only in May. I'm about to beat her,
buuuuut all of this ties into one of the week's little spiritual revelations...
I
started thinking about how frustrating it was for me, as a kid, when
birthday or Christmas surprises got ruined. I NEVER wanted to know what
was coming.
I realized this week that, for a long time, I have been trying to control, cope, anticipate what God is up to and why He's allowing certain situations. It, separately, struck me the other day also that, more often
than not, I do actually trust God in this process of putting me back together. I've decided
it's time for me to quit trying to figure out the surprises awaiting at
the end of this particular journey. Additionally, it seems urgent that I grasp the understanding that "coping" is ripping me off. Instead, I desperately need to get over myself, and lean into my heavenly Father, in faith. I will hover in the discomfort of whatever it is I'm feeling, whether positive or negative, and allow them to just "be" until there is closure, reconciliation, understanding... I'm going to go ahead and let the
Master Giver take His time and plan my surprise His way and in His time.
So, today the specific lyrics I cannot seem to listen to enough are:
My chains are gone
I've been set free
My God, my Savior has ransomed me
And like a flood His mercy rains
Unending love, Amazing grace
...................................................
I AM FREE.
