You might actually know a few of the people I reference in this blog. It should be said: I will never intentionally be disrespectful, but I do intend to be candid. Mostly I expect to reveal my own ridiculous naivete. Also, names might be changed to protect the innocent... or because I don't remember what they actually were... or because I like the one I picked better than the one their parents picked. It's okay, breathe, I'm not talking about you. ...But I might be, but probably not...
Let's have some fun, shall we?
Earlier this summer, my fake big sister asked me to meet one of her friends for lunch. For tonight's purposes I'm going to call the friend Gillian, mostly because I think it's close enough (I don't really know her well, so it could actually be her name.) and also because it's a cool name. Anyway, Gillian is the soon-to-be mother-of-the-bride. Her daughter is young, 19 or 20, I think. Gillian is excited for her daughter and likes the guy, but as a mom, she's got a few concerns. Since I was only a solid month plus few days into my 20th year on the planet when I got married, she thought maybe I'd have some insight. I'm not sure I've ever been accused of being insightful, but I DO have a mental list of "Shoulda-Coulda-Woulda" questions that the average never-been-married person should be asking themselves or their fiance...
Lunch was fun that day. Gillian is an awesome mom and that couple will probably be fine. Or not. I can't say, we haven't met and I'm (obviously) not an expert. She did, however, encourage me to write my thoughts down. I didn't, but these kinds of conversations keep happening recently, so I've been keeping a little collection of stories locked away for my "someday" blog. Tonight will be Someday Blog Part One, since I've got lots of curiosity and a few people I've got questions for. I'm guessing I'll be getting back to this topic again later...
Figuring Out What Works
This spring I spent some time with the first guy who asked me to marry him. That day I said yes, but our parents said an emphatic "NO". He really was my first best friend. We were four and, oh yeah, he's my cousin. We can call him Tom. Nope, it's not his name, but we're changing names here. I do like the name his parents gave him, but Tom is cool too...
Obviously as four year olds, we had no idea that physical stuff would come in to play later in life or that the law protected us from such tomfoolery (um, actually this pun was not intended. I named my cousin Tom at the end of writing, directly before publishing this. I'm purely, accidentally, genius here...). Quite honestly at this point in life it's easy to see that the physical stuff is not too hard to figure out and would probably work out just fine with almost anyone, given enough, um, dedication...
Our friendship, the understanding of each other, our similar and complimentary personalities as well as the same sense of humor and complete trust in each other, were actually the perfect blueprint of what should've been...
I met Tom's wife for the first time, on that same visit this spring. She is awesome! I'm calling her Renee. It may or may not be legit. I'll never tell...
We immediately connected and were right away finishing thoughts for each other. It was easy to see why he married her, but I wanted to hear him tell me why. There is something so sweet about hearing a man in love say why, am I right ladies?! He started off by telling me how they met and what attracted him to her. She had a daughter already, so naturally I needed to know how that played into his confidence level in the beginning... (He's an amazing father to her by-the-way.) Eventually he boiled it all down for me: "Collene, I married Renee because I always got bored with the women before her. She keeps me on my toes. She challenges my thinking. She doesn't put up with my crap. She makes me a better man. She loves me, encourages me, supports me, gets me. I could never have made it work with anyone else."
I love this. A man that knows not only what he wants, but what he needs. Seven years in and they still make me throw up a little in my mouth; in a good way. I'm happy to know (albeit the hard way) what my weaknesses and strengths are in relationships. Whether you're 19 or 59 I'm pretty sure that's extremely important.
How Well Do You Fight
This was one of our biggest flaws. We never fought before we were married. Ever. In fact, I was pretty proud of that during our pre-marital "counseling". (Which was a total joke, by-the-way. No disrespect intended, because I'm sure, We'll-Call-Him-Smitty, meant well...) We skimmed the Conflict chapter and went on to skim through other things and camped forever on the Sex chapter. (I know far too much about Smitty's sex life, and now you can join me in that uncomfortable thought.) Unfortunately, friction is a reality of life. If you don't ever disagree with the person you spend the most of your time with, someone's not being honest.
On the other hand, I have a couple of people in my little circle of confidants who found themselves in aggressive relationships. At least one, or both, parties did not have the maturity or self control to hush up and hear the other person out. Pride got in the way, then stuff got nasty.
Figuring out whether you're a walk away and cool down person, or a stick together until it's resolved person is as vital as knowing how your guy/gal deals.
Are You Settling
Can you see yourself with anyone else on the planet? If he showed up at your wedding could it ruin the day? If so, thennnnnnnnnnnn, maybe you should figure out why. Forever is freakin.... well, FOR-EVVVVV-ER.
I would not have seen myself as "settling" at all, but in hindsight I essentially was. I had a cerebral understanding of what I was supposed to want: Hard working, moral, family values, a churchy kind of guy (always a safe bet, right?), blue eyes and a mom that liked me- I kid you not, this was actually on my list of must-haves. Check, check, check, check, check- gorgeous eyes actually, um, check? Life is funny, and some things you cannot prepare for, but this isn't a mother-in-law blog. Maybe I'll save that story for another day.
Were we IN love? Well Hollywood is stupid and no one believes in that stuff right? Butterflies in your tummy at the beginning of a relationship isn't enough to classify you as "in love", you should know. I get butterflies when I hear Christmas music or think about taking a nap. Being IN love is a stupid, conjured up emotional bit of nonsense, right? Love is a decision and an action. Period.
I was half right.
What I learned was that the looks-good-on-paper relationship, the safe choice, what everyone expects for you, is nonsense. Without the indefinable aspect of a relationship- the spark, the current of real connection, mutual respect, the sense of protection and prize, the unspoken understanding and commitment blended with the choice and action part of love- marriage is lonely and harder than necessary. Those kind of relationships seem rare now, because in my opinion, people are not patient to wait for it or are quick to discount it because of fear, family pressure or societal pressure. But, what do I know?
Is Someone Pregnant
Who cares? Then grow up and parent someone, don't do anyone any favors. Seriously, don't.
That brings me to my final point of the evening...
Do You Really Just Want Life To Start
It seems like a silly thing to admit to you now, but I guess it's not rare and it takes one to know one. I'm astounded at the conversations I'm having again/still with this theme.
It's a common way of thinking with the 19-25 age group. Whether you realize it or not, your parents/teachers/friends talk about your goals: college, career, family. For me, I went to school, got my career and started a family. Almost on autopilot. It made sense. I think I was looking for a good candidate to fill the open position. I read a few resumes and hired the best one for the job. Seriously.
Now that I'm 30 something, portions of my peer group are mildly freaking out as they're finding themselves approaching 40. That seems like a big number, especially if you've never been married and don't have kids. I've talked to more than one person this summer that got engaged because "it seemed like the logical next step." Well, that's romantic. Apparently, even guys feel their "biological clock" ticking. Who knew? I guess I can understand the loneliness of looking around at all of your friends, their kids and marriages, and feeling like you missed the boat. Please do yourself a favor and wait. Wait. Wait. It's going to be worth it, I'm convinced. The alternative is messy and painful and hard on everyone. Your mother CAN wait to be a grandma, trust me.
Okie Doke. I have interviews to conduct. This talk is sooooooo not over.
Photo from a wedding I attended this summer.
The bride and groom were awesome, it was not a dirge.
They are young, but have it all going on- A forever kind of couple.
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