The Birth of the Blessing Season

For several days I've been working on three separate posts here. I've been sipping from spiritual firehoses again and I've been trying to shape something readable as a benchmark of this season of my life. However, the gentle Spirit of God has held the reins a little tighter than normal and has not allowed me to publish my essays about how he has walked me through meandering thoughts and lessons on "seasons," "suffering," "overflowing love," "being peace," "being immovable," "standing firm," "humility," and the "joy that comes the morning."

It's a little daunting to keep sitting at my computer early morning, after late night, after mid-afternoon to figure out what exactly I'm supposed to be getting out of all of this. What is the one simplified prize I could declare to you (us)?

I woke up Saturday, September 8th with a heaviness I couldn't understand. I had been to divorce court first thing Friday morning and had been elated to announce that my divorce had been delayed until mid-to-late October because my husband's attorney had no-showed. The appropriate signed paperwork had never been filed by their side in response to my petition to separate rather than dissolve our marriage. Because my husband was not required to be there, the court (a VERY sweet-to-me Standing Master) had found it all so confusing and was inclined to grant my separation. She held off, pending hearing further from them.

Also occurring Saturday, was my involvement with a fundraiser 5K for a non-profit human trafficking safe house that has become a personally precious ministry to me. I was joined by a handful of old friends and a hundred-and-something new ones. I had every reason to be joyful, and I was... except for that nagging heaviness under the surface of my heartbeat.

By Sunday I was falling on my face in prayer throughout the day. The spiritual pain was starting to come in waves. It was the same burdened, almost cramping feeling that comes with labor pain- but in my chest. Sunday night to Monday morning I was out of bed every few hours to feel the cold floor on my forehead. I didn't even have words to pray, only silent agony. I'm not usually silent, except in labor, actually. (I know it's weird, but this isn't the movies and it's just the truth for me.)

By mid-day I was in the straight-up "transition phase." I may be under-explaining the physical (although, clearly not medical, for all you sweet nurse friends of mine) heart cramps and near breathlessness. By this time, there was at least something tangible happening to explain some of the distress- in the form of an online, heartbreaking exchange with a loved one and a few dozen lookie-lous. Still, my maturity and intellect could absorb and explain the harshness of those words and choices made by a younger, less experienced soul and it was clear within a few hours that this was not the source of the pain.

Monday night I received a phone call, for the first time ever, from a new friend. Her voice has been familiar for months because I have been watching her online teachings of God's word in fascinating ways, almost weekly, since the beginning of this whole ordeal. We met randomly, awkwardly even, a couple of weeks ago in a state more than 1,500 miles from either of our homes. She wasn't even there to teach...  Maybe someday I'll tell you about those details, but tonight the phone call is all that matters to this story.

As soon as I picked up the phone my new friend began to speak and health, teaching, love, scripture and discernment poured off her lips and flowed over my life. She then prayed by far the most scripturally "in tune" prayer over me that I had ever heard. We both were in tears.

Prior to that call, I had not ever had the opportunity to tell her a single sentence of my life details. Not my testimony, facts about my family of origin, my current family situation or what I'm most passionate about in life. She didn't know I had lost my father to cancer or how I make my living. However, the woman breathed life over every detail of my suffering before knowing a single fact.

After an hour and 41 minutes we were both needing to wrap up the conversation; she suddenly remembered why she had called! THAT, my friends, is obedience to the Spirit's leading. I want to be like her when I grow up!

This morning I again had the birth pain feeling, but my emotions were not so intensely involved. I felt like the "water" had broken in the early hours of the morning and now the heart-contractions were producing something. Sorry guys, it's the only way I know how to describe it. I had joyful chats, grief filled hugs and lighthearted exchanges with my clients. By the time I got home this evening I was in a peaceful place, like I imagine an epidural would feel; Still pressure, no pain.

I got my mail. There was a package from a beautiful friend I haven't met in person, but have enjoyed hours of phone conversations and text exchanges with. She sent me books, and a real-life handwritten letter, and a couple of copied days of a devotional.

There were a few bills.

There was a document from Yellowstone County Courthouse.

"Oh good," I thought as I noticed the address, "they set the trial date". I answered a friend's call at the same time. She has been at the hospital with her husband for a couple of days. I opened the envelope as I listened to the update about him.

There wasn't a date. I spoke to answer my friend while I simultaneously read out loud the cover page title: "DECREE OF DISSOLUTION OF MARRIAGE"

"I'm divorced," I told her quietly- bracing for emotions that never came.

And then, the relief of pain that comes with giving birth. I cannot explain it, but over and over I heard in my spirit "When (it) had died, David got up, washed his face, ate, and worshiped God"

I know I'm not directly quoting your personal favorite English translation of the story of the death of David and Bathsheba's son in 2 Samuel 12. I am also quite aware that my context is not about having a dead baby after 7 days of pleading for restoration of health, but rather the death of a marriage and a family of eight after 7 months, 5 days of separation, fasting, prayer and wise (and even some unwise) counsel... David knew that his son would die, yet he also knew he was supposed to ask for him to live. He fasted, wept, prayed, fasted, prayed, cried out, wept, fasted... agonized and distressed, he pleaded for life not to leave the precious thing he loved- the very thing he had been given by God himself. A few months ago when I was reading that, I could relate to that part, in every way. I could NOT relate in any way to his calm, accepting reaction to the loss...

Until today.

I haven't been able to escape the incredible JOY that replaced the heartache and "labor" pains of this weekend. There is such relief in the answer; not the answer from an angry hardened human, but from my tender and loving, merciful Abba! This is his good and perfect will for me in this season. It is not what I prayed for and it is not the end of the testimony for me. It is, however, the essence of seasonal change that I have blogged my "allergies" to for years here. I am starting to believe that the Healer, heals allergies...

You know what? I am okay; excited even! My father is on the throne, because NOTHING passes through my life without his approval. Not the gifts, not the pain, not the injustice, not the oppression, not the blessings. He gave, and he took away. Blessed be the holy character and powerful name of the Lord God Almighty, the one who knows me and who keeps me and who protects and defends me. My provider, my shelter, my stronghold... and now, my deliverer.

Please don't take my reaction as anything other than resolute faith that God will still do what he said he will do. He has spoken, he will do it. While he is doing that, the "hard way" apparently, I am free to dance in the showers.

Without the nonsense of my preaching these verses that have been marinating for weeks in my heart like I've attempted to do, I'll simply post them for what they are and let you see for yourself what I'm excited about...

Matthew 7:7-11

Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock and it will be opened to you. 

For everyone who asks receives, and to the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks it will be opened. 

Or which one of you, if his son asks him for bread will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a serpent? 

If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will you Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask him!

Ezekiel 34:25-27

I will make with them a covenant of peace and banish wild beasts from the land, so that they may dwell securely in the wilderness and sleep in the woods. 

And I will make them and the places all around my hill a blessing, and I will send down the showers in their season; and they shall be showers of blessing. 

And the trees of the field shall yeild their fruit, and the earth shall yield its increase, and they shall be secure in their land. And they shall know that I am the LORD, when I break the bars of their yoke, and deliver them from the hand of those who enslaved them.

And ESPECIALLY

Isaiah 61:1-4

The Spirit of the Lord GOD is upon me, because the LORD has anointed me to bring good news to the poor; 

he has sent me to bind up the broken-hearted, 

to proclaim liberty to the captives, 

and the opening of prison to those who are bound; 

to proclaim the year of the LORD's favor, and the day of vengeance of our God; 

to comfort all who mourn; to grant to those who mourn in Zion to give them a beautiful headdress instead of ashes, 

the oil of gladness instead of mourning, the garment of praise instead of a faint spirit; 

that they may be called oaks of righteousness, the planting of the LORD that he may be glorified.

They shall build up the ancient ruins; they shall raise up the former devastations; they shall repair the ruined cities, the deviations of many generations.