Waiting For Rain

I'm being pursued!!!  He called me, out of the blue, a few weeks ago, on a "down" day none-the-less.  The first time I saw him was two summers ago, at a day camp for the kids.  He recognized me from years ago- before I was married.  We caught up briefly,  he invited me to chat "anytime".   I ran into him again at a sandwich shop a few months later.  Again, an invitation to call him, anytime.  Over the next year I heard from friends that know him that he'd been asking about me, again encouraging them to have me call.  So, I finally did.  We met for a couple of hours.  I was a mess that day, but left feeling encouraged and exhausted.  The invitation to call anytime was again extended.   I've seen him often over the course of the last six or seven months.  He's a busy guy.  I assumed the "anytime" invitation is just something people in his position say, possibly even with sincerity, but really don't have time to follow through with.  Besides, I don't NEED anyone.


So, now this call a few weeks ago...  He was direct- "Collene, if you're not going to take me seriously and set up a time to see me, I'm coming to you.  When can you cut my hair?"  I laughed him off.  I know he has a hair girl already.  I told him, alright, I'll come in again- after Christmas?  I know he's busy.  Nope.  He wants to see me, now.  We set it up for the next day.  The conversation, in my itty bitty salon, was deep, loving, encouraging.  I am amazed and the depth of grace and love I feel coming from this guy.  It, quite honestly, confuses me. 


I spent the next few days re-reading my blog, backwards.  It's funny to me that one day's thoughts seem to prepare me for the next day.  The common threads start to emerge.  That's when it hit me:  God has been pursuing be through this man.  For the first time in my life, even being born into and growing up in the church, I have a pastor!  A shepherd, in the true sense of the word.  I didn't see him again for nearly two weeks.  When I did, he came to me for a huge, emotional even, hug.  He looked me in the eye and said directly:  "Collene, I loved our time the other day.  I feel God has given me a special heart for you for a couple of years.  You are beautiful inside and out... precious.  I love you.  It is my mission to tell you what I see in you every time I see you until you believe it.  If I have such a heart for you, imagine God's love for you."  He went on, but I honestly can't remember everything he said- it was just too much to absorb.


So reader, this is not easy stuff for me to hear.  Why?  I have no idea.  It goes against the narratives I've nursed for decades I guess.  I suppose I'm okay with the pastor's mission, but quite honestly, my instinct is to run.  I hope I don't, because it's exactly what I want...


For Christmas I went to Mom and Dad's.  Since Thursday afternoon, I logged 2,444.4 miles on my brand new tires.  There is nothing like the hum of my tires on a road, the flash of changing scenery, chasing the sun from rise to set, iPod on shuffle, and the crossing of state lines.  My mind moves fast, so it makes sense to me that sitting still has never worked for me when it comes to processing thoughts.  Road trips, however, work wonders on my mind and heart.  This Christmas break is just what I needed...


On this particular trip I solved the world's problems, then went to work on my own.  My mind again hovering on the familiar two topics:  Pursuit and Perseverance.  While in Arizona, I was reminded of a quote "Two farmers need rain.  Both pray for it, but only one prepares his field for the rain.  Which one has more faith?"


I spent three remarkably peaceful days with the family, got some much craved brother time, hugged on a niece, saw again the breathtaking beauty of the Grand Canyon, and headed home with three VERY happy kids...


Then a friend called me somewhere around Salt Lake City on my drive home.  She said she had been thinking of me and needed to read me this from James 1 (how she knew perseverance was the theme of the trip, I don't know) :

Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds,  because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance.  Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.  If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him.  But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind.  That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord;  he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does.


...This morning I woke up, in my own bed finally, after restless dreams. Worry, fear, stress- the theme of the night.  My mind immediately went to the dysfunctional secret place in my heart- that I've only shared with one other.  The place that is comfortable only because it's familiar, but has nothing of life or hope for me.  In the shower I heard in my head: "As a dog returns to its vomit, so a fool repeats his folly." Prov 26:11  The day was dark, gloomy, cloudy.  Will I learn?  Will I change?  Will I get this far to forget what God is teaching me?  Will I have to repeat the pain?


I refuse to.  I will not settle in.  I will finish, with patience/perseverance, the race that is set before me- looking to Jesus, the author and finisher of my faith....


With all this driving and thinking and solving, I know what I want.  I know what I'm praying for.  Now, it's time to finish preparing my field for the rain.