I had so many days in a row of actual lightheartedness, I began to instinctively throw up walls of protection again. I didn't see it myself. Thank God for a good friend, again. She gently- or was it boldly, directly, firmly gave me the verbal spanking I needed. She's right: I'm used to living in the future- always prepping for disaster, forgetting to be thankful for right now, not able to trust the joy or excitement I feel, even about silly stuff, constantly waiting for the bottom to fall out. Why? I had recent examples of why this "prepping" makes sense, but I had no idea when or why I started living this way. I didn't really have the energy to care at the time, but I figured that this would be the process of the week.
The morning started out with the word TRUST once again making the rounds of my thoughts. The phrases "afflicted in every way, but not crushed", "perplexed, but not driven to despair", "persecuted, but not abandoned", "struck down, but not destroyed" were also making the rounds...
This brought me to this evening. I was minding my own business- making deposits in different accounts, doing (yet again) tire maintenance, paying a bill or two, returning calls, when it hit me: It has been 19 years this Christmas, since I sustained my first major internal injury. This thought was so loud in my head, I actually said "God WHY?" out loud in my car.
The "why" I never investigated at the time. In fact, I spent the next five years pretending the incident never even happened. It seemed so much less complicated that way. When finally, I was forced to confront the situation, I deflected. There were other people who needed support and I was the strong one.
Over the years I have not been afraid of the facts of that night. I am never specific, but I don't have to be. I told my story a time or two, when I felt like it would benefit someone. Then there were the times I told my story to the ones I trusted most. I was hoping to be known, understood, fully accepted by them. Instead, I was accused, shot at, struck down, rejected, unprotected. With that kind of price tag, it felt it was much easier to shove the hurt a little deeper, pull up my boot straps and keep marching...
In many ways I feel like the woman I became, does not know, never met, that 15 year old girl. I can recite her history, but I generally do not allow myself to feel her insecurity, fear, anger, or pain. Instinctively I have trained myself to anticipate, distrust, doubt, fear, push, before I ever feel that unprotected again.
The cool thing about tonight, is that I don't hurt as I'm writing this. I also don't feel numb. I feel peace. I know that I can trust that this will be healed from the inside out. The "why" doesn't really matter. Those that I trusted, who took the shots at me, don't matter much anymore- have lost their power over me. I will one day, very soon, be functioning completely in the here and now with joy for the moment. I will not be crushed. I will not despair. I will not be forsaken. I will not be destroyed.
No comments:
Post a Comment