I'm sure that I did not laugh as much in my previous 34.25 years, as I did in the last 6 months.
That being said, I will say that since the divorce, these questions have plagued me: What do YOU like to do Collene? Who ARE you, when you're not a mom or business owner? What are your hobbies? What do you do for fun when the kids aren't around?
Fun? Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, can I get a definition? Can you repeat the word? How about using it in a sentence?
Last summer I started remembering how to play. It was uncomfortable at first. I was a bit anxious. I had a nagging feeling that I was forgetting something BIG. I felt a little insecure putting aside my stress, planning, organization... How do you just "let go" and smile when life is falling apart around you? I'll tell you how started, actually:
I was getting ready to buy a house and was supposed to close July 15th. Prior to the closing, I had about 6 weeks of wait time. The loan was complicated, somewhat, requiring more prep time for the lender than usual. Then, my loan got audited, which complicated it further. To make things more interesting, I had to be out of my rental home two weeks prior to closing. Everything had to be moved to storage and I was homeless- for AT LEAST two weeks. As a mom, I was most definitely not allowing myself to exhale, much less dream about paint colors...
My friend, the one you're starting to know well, who knocks me around when I need it, essentially told me that I was sucking the fun out of everything. She said "You are always waiting for the worst, and never enjoying the now! This is FUN, we should be dreaming about how you'll decorate. Instead, you're so certain it won't happen you aren't having any fun. Besides, you get to live with ME for at least two weeks!" (Did I ever mention that I have incredibly gracious, generous friends?)
Soooooo, one night, late, she made me go for a walk to the park down the street. Then she invited me to swing with her on the playground. Do you remember the feeling of going so high on a swing that you float for a second on the return, before the chains catch you again? I had forgotten. Then, as we were swinging and talking and laughing, the park sprinklers came on, surrounding us! I felt like I was about 9 again... Later during my stay with her, she forced me to try a boxing class with her, way too early in the morning... there's something about punching stuff really fast that makes this girl grin...
I closed on the house, on time. Simultaneously, I started trying other new things as well as stuff I had let fall by the wayside when I became a wife and mother. I found my grin. I heard my giggle again. I even, literally, danced in the street! Play became more than a one or two hour event- I spent whole weekends, then even a week, dare I say it: a whole month, "letting go".
...but, it seems, I've done it again. For nearly two weeks, I have slipped back into the all-too-serious business of adulthood. I've started feeling old again too. My head is again full of worry. My brow tense with those secret fears (creating lines my grandmother would disapprove of). My joints are even aching as I struggle with sleep and restlessness. Again. The weight of the world has never felt more squarely placed on my shoulders. I'm beyond irritated, at myself, to be feeling this way- especially since "feelings" are so stupid. It's okay, though, because at least it's familiar territory, right?
NO! My biggest fear throughout this life transition has been forgetting what I'm supposed to be learning, having to endure the painful relearning. So what is it that's slipping?
"I'm supposed to be His daughter, His princess"... was the thought on my mind while I cleaned all day today. Thoughts about God as a loving father flickered again...
It's trust again, that's lacking. "Is God still in control?" I again find myself asking. My friend's response still comforts: "...trust Him...you just have to get past yourself first." This week I'm forgetting what I learned, God help me with my unbelief.
Children trust. They live in dependence. They do not need to be in control. They are carefree. They play! This is right, the way it should be...
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