I spent some time tonight in my spot, on my table by Lake Josephine. I've been craving solitude today, which is unusual for a people-person like me. I have to get to a place of understanding on this thing I can't figure out in my head. Avoidance isn't working. Neither is sleep. Over-analyzing is not my friend. I was hoping that the peacefulness of the park would bring peace to my heart. I brought my journal, hoping to write until I saw the answer. I didn't. So now, I'm reviewing my journal entry and giving it second shot...
I pulled into my lot just before the sun dipped below the trees. The air is still a bit chilly, the day gray. Yesterday, the last day of winter, it snowed- slushy and heavy and sorta deep. That's melted today. The calendar says spring now, but with the chill in the air, the park is disagreeing. The sun is casting long shadows now as I sit on the corner of my table. Ducks are breaking the stillness of the water as they make their way to shore. Behind me there is a parked car with two young people kissing. I don't want to see that. Not today. I return to my car and drive a bit further.
This is where my first exercise in solitude took place. That tree is starting to get buds on it. New growth. Hope. Funny though, a few of the leaves that I saw last fall are still clinging to the branches. Something in me still feels like them. Did they spend the winter afraid to trust the winds? Huh. Yeah, I completely get it: new growth, hope, still distrust...
My heart is sad today. It's been a rough month. I figured I'd be farther along in the "caring less" about certain things by now. It seems I care more. I feel foolish. Too foolish to even spell it out for you. It's okay though, because this process is for me and I'll look back on this and remember who, what, where, when... it's the WHY I can't work to some sort of understanding.
The futility of asking "why?" has still never stopped me from asking. When I was a kid I HATED the "because I said so" response. I loathe "that's just the way it is". Why? I can't learn, change, grow unless I understand. Is it protection? Discipline? Laziness of the one in authority? As a parent I've said no for all three reasons... God is not lazy. God is good and gracious and loving by nature...so, what am I missing? Still there is silence. The silence leaves room for the guilt. I messed it up. I know, because I have this hindsight vision thing that accuses and points out a million things I should have said and done differently.
The sun is mostly set now. The ducks and geese are teaming up in couples to take care of their spring families. That's nice.
The colors are perfect in the sky. I snap some more pictures, still looking for something that gives my heart peace. This still doesn't add up. The pieces don't fit. I have no idea how to walk away from what I feel, what I know. Try as I might, I cannot kick it, push it, redefine it, loathe it, smash it to pieces... It seems that God hasn't released me from it either. It turns out I suck at trusting still. I stayed until dark. Faith is blind, right? Yeah, well faith has been just plain uncomfortable this month.
As I'm re-reading my heart on paper, I'm starting to think that I need to stop being frustrated at God for other people's choices. I need to be slower to make excuses for people, to hold them directly accountable, when those choices hurt me. Forgiveness with accountability.
I can't wait for sunrise.
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