He is jealous for me, loves like a hurricane. I am a tree bending beneath His wind and mercy...
And heaven meets earth like an unforeseen kiss. And my heart turns violently inside of my chest. I don't have time to maintain these regrets...
There are no less than 35 directions I've thought about taking this blog today. Originally, I was going to talk about sex... (no, I'm not kidding), BUT so much more has happened inside my head and heart over the course of the weekend, I'll save that blog for later in the week. (It's okay Dad, it'll be classy when I do...) Words are going to fail me tonight, I know this, because I am already stammering in my mind. I am freakin' excited. "My heart turns violently inside of my chest" are the only words that feel applicable and I'm not sure I can even explain why. Except this:
Today was a new day.
Do you ever wake up and just know, you've turned a corner? I've been living in a maze of sorts I think, because this is the third corner I've been around in twice as many months. The view is no less exciting the third time...
I was up late. Or early, really, grabbing breakfast with five new friends at Denny's. Very cool people, really. Although the company was great, the location was really what got me thinking. Denny's was the location of my first "date" after my divorce. Classy? Yes. Exactly like the guy.
That date was 11 months ago. It was a 5:00 AM coffee date since we were supposed to be meeting with one of his friends to build beds for his garden and plant stuff later that morning. I figured that was a safe time of day for a respectable date. Nope. It turns out BOTH people have to actually be respectable for the date to be respectable, and time of day doesn't matter. I've told the entire story a few times: Women laugh nervously, or shake their heads, men tend to get a tad angry and, oddly enough, start discussing various weaponry. Since I'm already getting off topic, I will save the excruciating details for chapter one of my first how-not-to book.
I'm going to quickly insert clarification: I do not actually like Denny's, and have never requested it personally. Okay, I feel better.
Anywhoooo, I woke up way too early today for a girl who doesn't ever sleep anyway, and had no motherly responsibilities this morning. I could not help but feel heavy-hearted. What is the point? What am I doing with this life? Images of moments and people of the last year flicker in my memory. The feeling that I'm waiting for life to restart takes over, yet again. I've got one shot and I know it, but weeks and months have turned into a year... and more. I'm still passively waiting. For what exactly? I don't have a clue, but as I pour my coffee I know that TODAY things have to change.
I haven't been to church in a month; I decided to go. At least I won't be alone with myself here...
Here's where the words are failing me. The topic today was on leadership and was directed specifically at the men. This fact, alone, caused an emotional reaction in me that I was unprepared for. Meanwhile, my already heavy heart was soothed in a way I cannot explain. Through the river of tears and snot that poured off my face I wrote these notes (Um, by-the-way, I'm not a pretty crier, you may have guessed- it's been confirmed):
2 Chronicles 16:9 "The eyes of the LORD search the whole earth in
order to strengthen those whose hearts are fully committed to him..."
Ephesians 5:15-16 "Look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise but as wise, making the best use of the time, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the will of the Lord is."
A fire-hose of soothing, confirming, hopeful words... Then, the MOST encouraging thing: The men were challenged to be leaders, at church, but more importantly and dear to my heart, at home. Aggggh, amazing. I can't describe the atmosphere in the room this morning, but I know two things: God is going to answer my heart's cry and I get to watch. Yes, every single one of those guys in our little congregation belongs to someone else, but I will get to watch this amazing thing happen right in front of me this summer, even more importantly, so will my boys. I think I'll keep going.
Meanwhile, Integrity and Faithfulness are not accidental. I plan to continue trudging along, picking up the pieces and moving through this maze resolutely, turning as many corners as it takes... I don't have time to maintain these regrets.
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