Stop The Madness

We all have a little bit of insanity coursing through our veins.  Today I intentionally accessed my full potential.  Patience, prayer, distraction, intellect, anger and grace have not helped to force me over the edge of this muddy spiritual, emotional and intellectual ditch I still find myself spinning my wheels in.  I feel like I've only dug myself in deeper.  Maybe pushing an Insane Obsesser personality will slam a door, bolt it, chain it and steel reinforce it to offer me some kind of relief, give me understanding and reason...

Wrong.

Ultimately the issue has very little to do with the person I displayed my full potential with today.  Quite honestly, there is no one THAT special.  The problem, as it has been boiled down for me time after time, is the five letters that have haunted me since the beginning: TRUST

"Do you believe that God is in control?"

"He is, you just have to trust him Collene."
 
So here's where my frustration lies:  Where does God's control and our free-will intersect?  If He isn't a forceful god, then how does He ever solicit change or a desire for what's "right" for myself?  How does He ever exercise His control?  I need to know, especially as it pertains to me interacting with other people who also have free-will.   I know me well.  I don't naturally want what's "best" for me, I want what's easy or fun or safe or immediately gratifying. Sometimes my free-will might interfere with someone else's desires or rights or needs.  How does God protect that other person from my selfishness? How does God protect me from the selfishness or the inabilities of another?  What if the "other" is a sibling or parent or husband or child?  Where is my protection?

How does a relationship, of any kind, ever work without someone getting mutilated?

I'm sad.  I'm foolish.  I'm hurting and because of that, I'm hurting people. I'm in a, mostly, trust-less state and do not know how to proceed.  I'm mad at God for involving me in a painful, seemingly hopeless, stupid situation and for continuing to keep me here by refusing to show me the way out.  I need answers that make sense. I need to somehow stop the madness in my head and heart, before I lose my sanity and destroy more relationships.

Until then, I'll be doing a little coping by burying myself in a sea of pillows.  Pray for a dreamless sleep for me, would you?