The theme of most of my conversations today centered around "people pleasing". It's interesting how themes emerge some days. My last client today is one that has taken almost two years to get to know with any depth. She's super polite, intelligent, well put together, gorgeous. I am her polar opposite as it pertains to initial presentation, but her perfect match as it pertains to the gears and guts of how we think and what makes us "tick". Both of us have a "people pleasing" bent to us, which greatly interferes, at times, with the "God-pleasing" directive we both desire to fulfill...
Anywho, she and I have had similar experiences pertaining to parents, in-laws, mothering and relating to "church people". As a side note, if you consider yourself a "church person", it's entirely possible I will offend you in this blog from time to time. I'm almost sorry, except not really. I've been one too, I'm afraid, so I feel pretty good about calling you out on certain stuff.
As my client and I talked tonight, I found myself once again feeling the familiar blood-pressure-raising, sick-to-my-stomach-knot, frustration-turned-pain, I ALWAYS feel when I hear, yet another, example of "church people" slaughtering their own while maintaining an air of piety and judgement.
Aren't we so glad God had mercy and grace and died for Ms. So-n-so so that she could then turn and point her fat finger in some wretched sinner's face and demand perfection? Oh, but don't forget Mrs. Sunshine-n-roses! You know her, she's full of bubbles and fairies. Isn't it suuuuuuuuuuch a blessing to be near her? "Oh, your daddy has cancer? Oooooooh, honey, God knows best! He'll be better off with Jesus anyway, let's thank Him for the fact that you HAVE a daddy in the first place, it could be so much worse." Or, "that sixth miscarriage just means the timing for a family isn't right yet, remember, God's timing is always perfect." Mrs. Sunshine-n-roses always has the ready-made bow to package up your "ugly" with her "pretty" to make it more palatable. God fits neatly in both Ms So-n-so and Mrs. Sunshine-n-roses box. Seriously, I have words- strong, vulgar words, that express more concisely how I feel, but you get my drift and I'm trying to be classier in 2013.
Oh, while we're on the subject, "religion" is a four letter word. I don't care what branch you're sitting on, religion seems to be merely man's way of controlling other men. (Not to leave you ladies out of it, women trying to control other women is the subtitle.) Okay, now that I've established how I feel about all that, I'll catch you up to speed. Twice last week, once yesterday and three times today, this very topic came up. It's safe to say I've got a little work to do in the area of forgiveness as it pertains to some specific "church people", but the ultimate frustration for me is this:
I want a BIG God. I have come to despise the god that so many of "His" people present and claim to represent.
I want the Guy that parted the sea to bring His people out of slavery. I want the God who fed thousands of people with a couple of fish and a little bread. You know, the one who put a little spit in the blind guy's eyes and gave him sight. I want the One who made the walls of Jericho fall at the sound of a trumpet, the One who delivered victory, over the giant Goliath, to a kid with a stick and a rock. I want the guy who called a decaying Lazarus out of his grave...
I am a slave to what I know, I am starving and needy and blind. I have thick walls of insecurity and pain. I'm small and insufficient but have giant battles that need a victory. I am in need of life. If God is not still that guy, what's the point? If He fits in a definable, palatable box that some pious, hoity-toity, perfect church person is comfortable with, I don't have time to waste on this.
I'm guessing a BIG God like that can handle my four-letter words, my doubting, my anger, my fear...
So, the incessant self-analyst in my brain has finally come to terms with the fact that I am the one I should be most frustrated at. I spent somewhere just over 30 years looking to these "church people", in varying degrees, to define for me who God is, accepting their definitions and understandings while never looking any further. Technically, I've only known God vicariously, not personally, for the vast majority of my spiritual journey. I've gotten angry and frustrated and disillusioned when leaders, teachers, parents, and friends contradicted each other or failed in their assessments or unfairly judged me. Maybe it's because of laziness or the "people pleaser" in me, but I finally see: I am the one who gave them the ring of keys to look for a way to unlock all that is such a mystery for me...
Good gravy, I hope no one is currently looking to me to unlock those doors. Please do yourself a favor and by-pass this hot mess of a blogger/friend for perspective or guidance. Let's both go straight to the Almighty Himself, shall we?
Oh and by-the-way, it's also only fair to give you a heads up... I've got more on my mind "as we speak":
Tonight, with all that in mind, along with a few wrestling thoughts pertaining to the "business" and "programs" and pressured "requests" for everyone to take-a-turn-in-ministry (as defined by the committee) mentality that has become church in America, I brought my swirling thoughts and the day's conversation remnants to bed with me tonight. The lights went out and, predictably, the whir of my mind's processor hummed louder...
Oh good, the topic shifts back to "Randy". I've told you about him already on here, research it if you care and haven't read it yet, but don't get too caught up in that, I have a whole different angle tonight anyway. This time, my mind has jumped out of the deep ruts it's worn in the muddy topic. Interesting, could I be finally gaining ground? I can't wait to see...
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