Because it's going to take too long to catch you up on the specifics of the last two months, I'm just going to say, it's good; so, so, so good! The story isn't written. It's still playing out, but it will be worth the wait, I promise. For now, here's a snap-shot of my internal life this week:
"Sufficient" is the word of the week. Well, no, really it all started with "Insufficient" beating me up in the private thoughts of my quiet moments.
If you know anything about me, by now you've come to understand that I am a recovering perfectionist. Since God is good, he only allowed people like me 24 hours in one day. In a weird, twisted, beauty-for-ashes kind of way, the goodness of God allowed me to absolutely crash and burn three or four years ago. The wheels of perfection flew off in a dramatic way and, long story short, the 24 hour days were simply not enough to maintain the "perfect" pace I was trying to maintain in life.
Most of the time, in recent months, I'm good with that. Actually, lately, I'm thankful more than ever that I am living a slower paced mental life (although the busy lifestyle of a single mother/solo income provider continues it's break-neck speed in the midst of it all). However, because my mind is increasingly less restless, I am starting to be able to grasp the "be still and know that I am God" concept of Psalm 46:10. This is no small feat, mind you... but those details are for the book I have yet to write and I'm rabbit-trailing now...
Anyway, "am I sufficient" is everyone's question, in one way or another. I realize I am not unique. However, I haven't had SUCH doubts about my own sufficiency since my break-neck journey down the mountain of demise, in the vehicle of perfectionism, until this week.
Thankfully, the question was finally answered, within the context of my specific situation, with a resounding "NO". I am completely insufficient. The person that I would need to be to master all that I face in the next five weeks- not to mention the lifetime beyond, doesn't exist (excepting One, of course)...
I am insufficient.
Good Lord, that's freeing. I was reminded of Isaiah 43 this week and I am now finding comfort in my insufficiency as well as the freedom to actually enjoy it!
“Do not fear, for I have redeemed you;
I have summoned you by name; you are mine.
When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze.
For I am the Lord your God...
...“Forget the former things;
do not dwell on the past.
See, I am doing a new thing!
Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the wilderness
and streams in the wasteland.
The wild animals honor me,
the jackals and the owls,
because I provide water in the wilderness
and streams in the wasteland,
to give drink to my people, my chosen,
the people I formed for myself
that they may proclaim my praise... (Excerpts from Isaiah 43)
Well, that's enough! This story I'm living is bigger than me. I am insufficient, but I am willing and excited to see what's next. This is just starting to get good.
P.S. Might I just add one after-thought that has been lacing through my heart this month? I am soooooo thankful I didn't get what I asked for. God IS good, especially in the midst of the chaos and pain. So many, many things make sense and what doesn't yet, doesn't matter so much anymore...
No comments:
Post a Comment