Sometime around the publishing of my last blog post I became engaged, then married, to one of the most intelligent, fascinating, earnest, hard working men I have ever met. He had absolutely no trouble accepting, and wholeheartedly loving, my three Bonus People. In fact, he blessed me with three of his own Bonus People. Even if you're marginal at math, you've probably counted SIX young-uns- with a tally of three boys and three girls. As it stands tonight we have three high schoolers, two middle schoolers and a preschooler. These simple facts alone will possibly reveal a clue as to why I've chosen not to blog in my "down time". I can further explain...
Maybe the best way to put this is that we are a multi-career family. You're probably aware that I own my little booth-rent salon business. My husband is a (semi-retired?) recording artist, high school English teacher, doctoral student, Young Life student ministry leader, theater director, English Mastiff breeder, semi-professional cyclist, non-profit founder, race organizer, online professor, and-something-else-I'm-sure-I've-forgotten...
We have gymnasts, swimmers, wrestlers, basketball players, bike shop employees, track stars, softball players, new drivers, up-and-coming drivers, volleyball hopefuls, trumpet players, saxophonists, clarinetists, choral members and folks that plain just want to be heard from time to time. Between the practices, training, workout plans, concerts, counseling appointments, games, lessons, work schedules, meetings, races, back rubs, occasional broken bones, school dances, first dates, heart breaks, weekend trips, grocery shopping, meals, new puppy litters, car accidents, and more than one devastating loss.... I. Can't. Think. Straight.
That brings me to tonight.
I have chosen to take a hard look at my Be Still directive from 2013, which I also wrote about later that year here. It is quite possible the theme wove it's way into other blog entries, feel free to look. It is a concept I have thought about tattooing on my forehead, except Mom, Dad and Mr. Hill would potentially, strongly, object. It seems that I'm sorta bad at obedience when the seven other people I live with don't have the same convictions and, quite frankly, I've personally lost direction. In response to all 'o that, and because my auto-immune disorders so kindly reminded me in a catch-your-attention-or-else kind of way, I've chosen to take a little mini sabbatical of sorts to re-organize my priorities and re-balance my skew.
If you're a long time follower of my blog, you'll be happy to know that my thinking has not become over-thinking and my perfectionism is still firmly behind me. I promise I am a MUCH less "stressy" woman to live with, trust me, I do it 24/7 and I have a backstage, all-access pass to me. After a little research, I am pleased to discover that the woman who started this nonsense in 2011 is truly not the woman I am today.
Buuuuuuut, that's not to say I don't still have a few things to address internally:
If I only had one emotion that I was allowed to assign this past 18 months, I would truly say JOY sums it up nicely. I will not type foolish, Pollyanna-esque drivel without first giving you a glimpse of the other side of that coin. Fear, grief, heartache, anger, frustration, exhaustion, and suffering all have made their visits and continue to be the undercurrent emotions that flow with Joy most days. Had you asked me last month I might have minimized Joy and maximized something less accurate. It has never been more true: Nothing worth having, comes without WORK. Before I explain, I think it's vital that I not toss "happy" in the mix of emotions that characterize my time as Mrs. Hill. Although there has certainly been happiness that characterize moments or days, Happy is fickle. She requires things to be "just so". No, Joy is my choice and I've fought hard to earn her.
I don't know what is "normal" in terms of how the Lord works His truth through a person to cause genuine, lasting change. However, for me there's always a theme. Sometimes it's a word or a phrase that echoes the silent spaces of my day- at the shampoo sink, in the shower, in the silence of an occasional lonely commute, in the darkness just before drifting off to sleep, as I stir a pot on the stove or take out the trash.... For me, MANY of these words and concepts end up fully circling back to a larger theme: the story of Moses and the Exodus.
The enslaved Israelites, Egypt and the hard-hearted Pharaoh, the plagues, the sea parting, the desert wandering, and the Promised Land, the consequences for disobedience... I mean FOR YEARS, this story is the rich soil that has grown incredible truths for me about the character of God, the power of faith in something, or rather, Someone BIG, hopefulness, hopelessness, provision, grumbling, ungratefulness, thanks, a desire to run headlong back into slavery, fear, harshness, softness, insufficiency, sufficiency, impossibility and the miraculous... oh, and I'm hoping a plethora of yet un-earthed treasures.
There is simply no way, for time's sake and for privacy's sake, to explain the ins and outs of how, but on this day and because of this week, I, with one of my Bonus Daughters (who happens to have declared a desire to be an Egyptologist even prior to hearing the story in Exodus), built a symbolic stone memorial in our desert, just as the wandering Israelites did, to remember that God is GOOD and He moved here. He is at work, He loves us deeply and when I pass here again in my own wanderings, I will remember. Yes, this is why "Joy". Circumstances are the same as ever, the desert is just as hot and dry, but this time there's a pillar to remember...
Oh Hey! I almost forgot: When I BE STILL, guess what happens?! The Lord actually, truly does the fighting for me, just like He said in Exodus 14:14! It cost me nothing- except the willful wrestling match between trust and fear, the act of taking rogue thoughts captive and making them obedient to Truth, Nobility, Justice, Purity, Excellence, Love and Praise, then being WILLING to say "whatever you ask, I'll do" to the One who asks for everything I have, am or hope for in my deepest places. Freedom has never felt so free, and if I lose everything I think have, it won't come close to having the power to send me back to the emotional, physical or spiritual slavery of "Egypt" or the bondage of fear or the exhaustion of misplaced "worship".
It is for FREEDOM that Christ has set us FREE. Stand firm therefore, and do not submit yourself again to the yoke of slavery. Galatians 5:1
I'd love to close this post with a picture, or five, of my little "spiritual" mascot. He truly represents the last five years of God's work in my life. He is a promise fulfilled and a complete blessing I can't fully describe. He's more than a dog, he's my Moses...
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