This morning I was reading my scheduled section of this bible-in-a-year-chronologically deal I'm doing when the word "prudent" jumped out at me somewhere in the middle of one of the Proverbs. Immediately the phrase "reasonable and prudent" popped back into the foreground of my memory.
Somewhere around my 20th birthday, my home state of Montana tried a new thing in which the voters and law makers changed the interstate speed limit to "Reasonable and Prudent" during the daylight hours. I probably would have never admitted it out loud then, but I wasn't a completely a fan of the new law. That year I did a lot of I-90 driving back and forth between my city and the town my high school aged brother was living in with a host family for the entire school year. Several times a month I made the 5 hour round trip to give him (and me) some sense of family after ours had moved a couple of thousand miles away. As I drive those roads today I occasionally have a clear memory of those trips and especially the nervous insecurity I felt driving my version of "reasonable and prudent" while those around me drove a very different version.
This morning's thought process had me look up the online definition of the word, because although it makes sense to me contextually, occasionally an accurate definition sharpens the focus of the context of a verse or a law. Here's what I learned:
pru·dent
ˈpro͞odnt/
adjective
- acting with or showing care and thought for the future
I was always a cautious little girl, prudent, a rule keeper, a coloring pre-K artist who's mediums were always perfected well within the lines and with the appropriate hues. I like the security that comes with knowing the rules, following them and being protected as a result. I've never liked taking risks, and could be accused of bordering on overly cautious at times. I constantly thought, over-thought really, ahead and "showed care for the future".
I've always wanted to learn my lessons, your lessons, and history's lessons to escape as much pain as humanly possible. In the middle of my 41st year I've discovered it's just plain too late to live my life scar-free. Yesterday, it was pointed out to me that sometimes wanting to forgo the pain and the process is simply my pride assuming I can get "there" another way. Ouch! The pointer-outer of that is right and a true friend who gently spoke that truth into my heart...
So, this weekend's little "prudent" concepts looped into the concepts that have emerged since I last blogged, and admittedly had me in tears much of the day. Here's why:
The week after I last wrote, my second-born graduated from high school. That night I had an out-of-context-to-the-week dream, not brought on by the weeks events or the ingredients of my meal prior to falling asleep. I've told you before throughout my life there have been certain dreams that are different than most. There's a "knowing" in certain dreams that I've began to trust are an actual message from my Abba, God. While it has sometimes been years, or even decades between them, I'm in a season of the "knowing" dreams for the last several months. Often, lately, the nocturnal situations I've been privy to aren't super encouraging to my human perspective or understanding, however I've experienced enough of these situations throughout my life to see amazing miraculous ends to the sometimes devastating stories the dreams start to tell. As a result, I was not discouraged by that dream or the others like it I've recently had.
Maybe the most profound experience that night wasn't what I dreamed as much as how I woke up and what I woke up to. I woke up to my own voice praying over the situation in the dream. Next to me my phone had been playing a video and although I had been asleep for over an hour, I woke up praying along with the person in the video. That's cool and all, but not miraculous. What followed, was. As I tried to return to sleep, the Lord gave me a very specific and profound understanding of what my life will look like in the near future. I'm positive as I type this that I'm not communicating any of this effectively, but that's okay. It's a documentation to mark a place in time for me more than it's a story for your entertainment anyway.
Three days later I had four separate prior-scheduled meetings with old friends I don't get to see regularly, not all of whom know each other. All of them unknowingly spoke into my life in exactly the way only God could orchestrate regarding the "know" he had just given me days before. I'm intentionally being ambiguous, for now, but I am certain portions of my next adventure will be recorded here.
Anywhooo, the tears this afternoon were a cocktail resulting from the vivid understanding of the direction I'm heading, which will be a complete leaving of the cautiously prideful little girl I've been. The recipe you ask? Oh, it's just one dose of grief stirred with a dash of fear, blended with a two bunches of excitement then poured over the ice of "wait".
Wait: I've never been comfortable with that word. I've always operated under the assumption that if we know what's supposed to happen next and we aren't making it happen, we are in disobedience at the very least, or even being downright risky and foolish. Except today's battle plan of "wait" is so good for me, because I have NO idea how to proceed to this "promise land" vision- for the first time ever. You should understand that I am exceedingly aware that my "knowing how to proceed" in prior circumstances is exactly where I got most of my scars, but I've been a slow learner despite all my afore mentioned prudence. I'm also keenly aware that once I get there, I will not survive without armor and a sword. The intel I've seen doesn't exactly have the words "paradise" next to the word "adventure" on the brochure. As a quick side note, there's a a whole separate blog that will come out to the concept of "making it happen myself" once I understand the mission and it's relation to "obedience", but that's not tonight, so relax would ya? I can't type as fast as I'm understanding these days.
Excitement: Because I have purpose! My entire life has shaped me for this, from my earliest memories, to yesterday's conversations. Nothing was wasted, no scar, no class, no experience, no relationship was without reason.
Fear: Because I told you, I'm not comfortable outside of the lines, off-roading, without a net, in the desert wandering... "What if's" are my enemy and there's a list of them. I'm not joking about the armor and sword. I'm really doing my best to "fear not" and to take every thought captive and to remember we were not given a spirit of fear but of power and of love and a sound mind... (2 Tim 1:7)
Grief: Because I had just started to get used to the season I was in. I liked it. I was comfortable in it. It's over. But "good" is the enemy of "best" according to Oswald Chambers and that season was good, but it wasn't the best.
So, tomorrow I have an opportunity in front of me. I'm a bit anxious, but I'm taking the first step knowing that will ultimately lead to the next and the one after that, and yet another... I don't have to even know the best way or even the compass direction that ultimately leads to the fulfillment of the vision, but I do trust the best life is ahead and one step isn't that far to travel for tomorrow.
As a side note: I'm starting to see that the "Promised Land", eventually called Israel, wasn't actually heaven, or even a paradise really. Also, it's a notable concept that the desert wanderers had all they needed by way of the pillar of clouds and fire and eventually, the Ark of the Covenant- the very presence of Jehovah- protector and provider.
I'll take my time, as long as He is there too, taking his time with me... I'll keep you posted!
Google image of a former Montana speed limit sign.
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