I woke up wishing for today's exercise to be carried out in Alaska. Beluga Point, Seward, Kenai on the point... Ocean water fascinates me, scares me- no terrifies me. I love the beach, but even now as I write, I am catching my breath a little as I recall the first tour of Prince William Sound.
"How deep the Father's love for us, how vast beyond all measure..."
In my time in Alaska I took three wildlife tours out of Seward and a halibut charter out of Homer. All were incredible, with scenery and wildlife you couldn't make up. Stunning. Majestic. Birds, Grey Whales, Orcas (breaching even- which is rare to see), Otters, Bears, Sheep, you name it, I saw it! As long as I fixed my eyes on the horizon or kept my mind on the surface, I was fine. Thinking of the depth beneath me would cause me to panic a little, stop breathing for a second. Avoider. Runner. What I can't grasp, understand, or master, I've been fleeing.
So, today, since I was unable to catch a flight to Anchorage before my 11:00 client, I headed to the Rims for today's challenge. The city is hazy this morning. There are clouds. The sun is out and even seems bright on the grass and weeds near me, but the city looks grey, cold, dead. The mountains towards Columbus are getting snow and look miserable.
This pullout that I am in is the same one I chose the night before my divorce was filed. I think I was parked here for nearly 4 hours. The first couple of those hours I was on the phone begging, pushing, pleading, crying, fighting what was coming... listening for the words that I needed to hear and that after 2 hours, were never spoken.
Then I called my daddy. He was in Phoenix having dinner with friends. He got up from the table and went out to be alone. For me. For nearly an hour. I have never learned to rely on my parents. Obviously as a child I did for food, shelter, education... but emotionally somehow I figured that I would be an unnecessary burden or worse, a disappointment. Many, many things I should have shared with them, but the more I kept from them, the harder it was to tell them anything at all. On June 22, 2010 I had no where else to turn, so my poor daddy got, uh, relied on!
Dad is strong. He has incredible character, really like no other man I've known. He has always been pretty hard on us to do the right thing. I have not very often seen his gracious side. In the 17 months since that night I have caught a glimpse of what a father's grace, love and protection feels like. Oh, I wish I had not waited 33 years to test that. My view of God and his roll as Father and the depth of His love for me has been so warped. I can recite His Word, but I haven't KNOWN a single drop of it personally. I've become a master runaway, tester, avoider, doubter, pusher.
Today I am sitting here thinking of real love. I don't "get it" anymore than I did yesterday, but I know I would like nothing more than to stand on the edge of the boat and dive into the depths.
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