What's Smaller Than a Mustard Seed?

I made it!  A whole week of the crazy that is in me, pouring out!  I know I'm a bit of a mess, but I feel like I'm being swept "as we speak".  Today is Sunday.  I went to church three weeks in a row. That's actually kind of a big deal these days.  Not that I got a gold sticker or anything, but it's evidence of my healing- which is actually a little encouraging.  We were given a quote that I have to share with you.  Jerry Sittser, who apparently suffered incredible loss, wrote "A Grace Disquised"  The book, which I have not read, is on grief and loss.  He writes:

"...depth of sorrow is a sign of a healthy soul...it is not something to escape, but to embrace... sorrow is noble and gracious.  It enlarges the soul until the soul is capable of mourning and rejoicing simultaneously, of feeling the world's pain and hoping for the world's healing at the same time.  However painful, sorrow is good for the soul."

The fact is, if you live, you will grieve.  While I do not intend to minimize my situation, or anyone else's, I will say that I am acutely aware of experiences survived by many of you, that are much more deeply devastating than anything I have experienced this far in my life.  I've been thinking about some of these scenarios over the week.  These thoughts have brought me to today's exercise:


Week 2 Day 7 

After bringing the kids to their dad, I decided to head out of town.  I took Rimrock west.  Out past Yellowstone Country Club, past Iron Wood... to the end of the gravel road, just before the curve.  I chased the sunset to get here.  Tonight it is not extremely vivid.  Pastel blues and greys melt into soft oranges and yellows.  Swirled in the mix, behind the whirlpool of clouds there is a bright pink, where the sun is still glowing.  Here where I parked, tufts of golden grasses stand above the drifted snow.  The sage brush has, with the help of the wind, shaken the snow completely off.  In the farmer's field, plow lines show their ruts through the thin layer of crusted snow. I got out of my car to take a few pictures in each direction.  The day was warm, but now with the sun down the chill has set in again.  I return to my heater, turn the phone off and sit...

There they are again. Those two words I have been watching chase each other around my mind for nearly two months.  FAITH and TRUST.

"Do you ever wonder if God is still in control?"  I asked a friend a few weeks ago.  "He is always in control, it's up to you to trust Him" was the reply.  Well, "what if I can't anymore?" I asked.  "You can, you just have to get past yourself first."

Okay, I want that.  How am I getting in my way?  I've been struggling with this question since that night.  My limited understanding of my circumstances as they pertain to me NOW, gets in my way.  My short sighted, what feels most comfortable, allergy to the seasons of change in my life, gets in my way.  (Yes, this is why "seasonalallergy" is the address of my blog.)  My quick-to-flee reflexes get in my way.  My perfectionism and pride and daydreams get in my way. My microscopic, essentially invisible, smaller than a mustard seed faith, gets in the way.

Trust is a screwy thing for me.  I am a giant pendulum.  Does Big Ben have one?  If so, I'm it.  I started out trusting everyone.  I was taught that a person's word, their integrity, is all they have.  I assumed everyone knew that, along with it's kinda bad to kill people.  It turns out not everyone sees it that way.  So, I recently have swung the other way.  Trust no one.  Everyone is lying and will use me.  Everyone has an angle.  Have I mentioned I tend to operate in absolutes?  It's time to grow up, wise up. Start finding my way down the center, walking by faith.  In this process I am hoping to figure out how to stay open, but not give myself wholeheartedly to everyone.  To watch trust being earned.

It seems extremely ridiculous to even say it, but it's true:  The God of the universe, Creator of everything, knitter of me, painter of tonight's sunset, sculptor of the rims, is earning my trust.  I've been sensing Him for months now, even in my anger, being faithful.  Meeting most desperate needs, without my asking or deserving.  Now He is softly, persistently, firmly drawing me back into the comfort of His arms.  The condemnation I experienced from His people is not actually coming from Him.

"Oh, I'm running to your arms, I'm running to your arms. The riches of your love, will always be enough. Nothing compares to your embrace"

P.S.  I just peeked at next week's lesson.  Guess what the chapter is called?  "God Is Trustworthy".  Coincidence?   I think not.  Oh, and guess what else?  The "soul training" exercise?  "Count Your Blessings"  Irony, it being Thanksgiving week?  Hmmmm...could be a good week.