That Four Letter Word

Perseverance was the roaming word of the day in my mind.  Earlier in the week I tried to sit down and start the week's challenge.  Once again I REALLY didn't like what the guy wanted me to do.  I checked the box of "doing something" and chose a different set of verses to use for the exercise.  But... over the last four days I have been haunted by what I was supposed to do:

Using 1 Corinthians 13:4-8, spend some time slowly reading (multiple times, mind you) each phrase.  Write down words or phrases that stand out to you.  Repeat them, pray about them, think about other verses that come to mind while you're reading them.... blah, blah, blah.

Yep, that's me rolling my eyes, squirming, being extremely evasive.  You know, I've given this stuff more than a month.  I'm good.  I've learned a lot about myself.  I'm fairly happy, well-adjusted.  I can coast this week.  In fact, Christmas is right around the corner, I'm busy, have a lot on my mind, I'll get back on task next week...  Besides, it's not like I did NOTHING this week, I just used a different verse.

So, "perseverance" is again, the word I'm fighting tonight.  "Remember?  Just this week, I told you I am trustworthy Collene",  I hear in my head.  "But God, it's another bumper sticker/poster phrase.  Worse- it's the WEDDING one.  I cannot do this...."  "Persevere Collene".

So, I obeyed.

Here it is, in case you're the only person on the planet that doesn't know it:  

"Love is patient, love is kind.  It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.  Love never fails..."

My stomach is in knots.  I'm sad and mad and... REALLY mad.  I probably won't be having another wedding, ever, but if I do, this will not be what is read.  Mark my words. 

Now here's where this blog gets a little dicey for me.  I wrestle with the fact that I have no idea who actually reads this, if anyone.  I also have no idea how my processing these things impacts the reader.  I have no desire to hurt or disrespect anyone.  I do, however, feel like it's necessary to be genuine- otherwise what's the point?  My marriage- in fact none of my romantic relationships, resembled this definition of love.  In addition, the relationships with some extended family members and church friends, failed big in the same way.   I recognize that people aren't perfect.  In fact, I've done my best as a wife, in-law, mother, daughter, sister, friend, to resemble those love qualities to the best of my ability- and have still fallen way short at times.  Whatever, some of that's over.  My disillusions, however, are holding steady.

Okay, tonight I did what I was supposed to. While I was thinking about the phrases that stuck out to me and "what's the point", I remembered a conversation I had with my good friend (the one that spanked me good the other day, actually) just this September.  She said:  "Collene, if a good looking, respectful, incredible guy did come along and try to love you, you would find a way to reject, sabotage, push him away."  I looked at her like she was crazy.  Why would I do that?  Nonsense.  She persisted "you are unwilling to accept it from anyone as it is, including from God- and His love is perfect."  THEN, ladies and gentlemen, she gave me recent examples!  Well now, I'm not sure why I keep her around anymore... except that I love mirrors.  I love directness.  Honesty.  And, because she really does "get" me, and I don't want to be this way anymore.  She was really loving me that morning.

At the end of the exercise the guy had us go back through and, because "God is Love", put the word "God" in the place of "Love"...  God is patient, God is kind.  He does not envy, He does not boast. God is not proud, God is not rude, God is not self-seeking, God is not easily angered, God keeps no record of wrongs, God does not delight in evil, but rejoices with truth. God always protects, trusts, hopes, perseveres, God never fails."

This is going to take some practice, but tonight I know I need to start accepting His perfect, patient, protecting, pursuing, honest, enduring, L-O-V-E.  Then, maybe- just maybe- if eventually, Prince Charming shows up, I might just be ready to let him l-o-v-e me too...