The Nothing Season

"Pen sure" is the term the kids and I use when we do crosswords together.  Now the words have been criss-crossing my mind over the last two weeks regarding a couple of situations.  The best part about having a blog for me, is that it forces me to be "pen sure"!  (I'll pause while you thank the good Lord that I'm not writing EVERYTHING I think or feel....)

This morning, I'm pen sure, finally... As usual, before I write, there's a theme or a word that rolls around my head and heart. "Wait" continues to be the persistent nagging of the voice in my head.  I hate that word.  I'm not a "wait" kind of person.  Thankfully, this heart dialysis I'm undergoing is gentle and the concepts are persistently, lovingly, continuing to be presented until they change me!

The old me was a doer.  If someone, anyone, needed it: I did it, found it, gave it, chased it... If I needed it- well now, that's just weakness, so never mind...  I was not choosy about who I allowed in.  My motto was "the more the merrier" and I would have never asked for anything from anyone. (Yeah, I know, pride, pride, pride- I get it, now!)  As you can imagine, the emotional, spiritual, and physical nutrients were completely depleted from the soil of my being.


 So now, this process of restoration is well underway.

My writing, so far, has centered on the emotional and spiritual remodel.  In this blog I've shared very little about the physical aspects of my "undoing".  While the physical things I dealt with changed me forever in some ways, I have not written about it because, mostly, I'm feeling pretty whole again.  The processing of those things has already been done in my head, I think.  Maybe one day it'll come up, but not today.

So now, I've been trying to come up with a way to describe this "wait" sense I have internally.  The concept is applying to everything as I think and process and mull and rethink and over-think the experiences I have had both emotionally and spiritually in the last month.  I've struggled with "wait", not because I'm feeling impatient, or desperate, or lonely or needy or unhealthy- but because it's exactly the opposite!  I feel GREAT!  I'm settled, sure, peaceful, relaxed, happy.  I am starting to feel energy in just about every way again.  Isn't it time to use it? Shouldn't I be putting myself back in the game?  Coach says no.

A friend used the word "fallow" the other day.  It's too perfect!  This is it.  "Wait" makes sense with this word.

fal·low

adjective /ˈfalō/ 

(of farmland) Plowed and harrowed but left unsown for a season in order to restore its fertility as part of a crop rotation or to avoid surplus production


Inactive


(of a sow) Not pregnant

verb /ˈfalō/ 

         Leave (land) fallow
 
I chose to give you both the adjective and verb versions of the word since I recognize that with a verb, I actually have the choice!  I like a little control, let's be honest...

As I researched fallow I realized that this spring-headed-towards-summer season of my heart that I've been writing about, anticipating, participating in- is exactly when the Farmer would fallow me.  Cool.  My heart, which has never been at rest, is about to get more nutrients.  Oh, and I'm not a sow, but I'm not pregnant either, so I left that part there.  ;)