Freedom Has A Feeling

Vacation started for me three days ago.  About four hours before I had to be up to catch my flight, I received an email from an old "friend".  For the last few days, my mind has not completely slipped into vacation mode as I have thought about how I would respond, if I cared to...

The email was long and stuffed full of "loving" (his words) condemnation from a man who considers himself to be a follower of Christ.  The email was riddled with accusations, ignorance and arrogance, his words were intended to fearfully force me into humility, repentance, submission.... The list is fascinating, and goes on and on...  My initial response was shock and that familiar ole' friend, Discouragement.

Then I reread it and couldn't help but laugh!  I'm soooo thankful.  I cannot believe that in three short months, my mind and heart have been changed/healed so completely. This life I am discovering is what freedom feels like!!!  If I had gotten such an email in October, I think it would have completely devastated me.  Now, I actually am very grateful to have gotten a glimpse back into the prison I just came out of. What a contrast to the grace, mercy, love, forgiveness, and peace I found in Jesus, once I stopped looking to "His people" to tell me who He is and started asking Him, Himself.


So, I'm not going to waste my breath or your time with this guy's words, but I will share with you what I have learned in 90 days or so:

1.  I am not expected to clean myself up for God.  He does that, slowly, subtly, gracefully.  I don't desire to be "clean" naturally.  It's easier not to, let's be honest.  He chose me, reached out to me, pursued me, won me- all while I was in this messy, broken place. His work is being done as an undercurrent, behind the scenes.  I feel it.  It's not me.  I like it. 

2.  God does not expect me to do anything while withholding His love, until I complete the task.  His love is constant.  He wants what's best for me.  His best is not "back there" in my past, but up ahead- following His leading.

3. I am going to keep messing up.  That's the fact of the matter.  I will continue to desire to mess up less, probably, but I will keep being blind or stubborn or lazy or... human.  I will use this fact as motivation to NEVER, NEVER, EVER think of myself as God's little gate keeping, pit bull.  I will, however, keep an answer ready, for the hope I have in Him- if you should ask.

I have no idea how my friend can say "it is clear (I) have never..."  when we haven't even spoken in years.  That's okay.  I know what's clear.  I know where I stand.  I know who I am. I know where I'm going.