It's been a topic I've worked hard to make "comfortable" around our house since the oldest son was in 3rd grade. The fact that now my daughter is willing to joke with me tells me two things:
1- My efforts are paying off. She's asking the tough questions a lot lately, and happens to be just cool enough to put me at ease while I answer her directly.
2- The way I live my life is being watched, for better or worse.
I am acutely aware of my responsibility to educate in this area as a parent, and am blazing a trail through uncharted territory. I'll just tell you what I've told them: There is NOTHING comfortable about this topic, for my kids or their mother. This blog is no less comfortable, except that I don't have to make eye contact with you while I type.
Quite honestly, the message I received during my formative years, while completely typical for "churchy" families, was frustratingly misleading. Couple that distorted message with abusive experiences and an infiltrating culture completely obsessed with lust, I've been a bit lost. I'm determined to find my way, even if only slightly ahead of my adolescent children!
Sex is a beautiful thing, designed by God... just don't do it, it's bad. Okay? If you have any questions, you can ask anytime this weekend. In between educational audio tapes...
Uhhhhhhhhhh, okay? Riiiight.... There's no way in hell I'm asking my questions, besides my friends already told me most of this stuff at least four years ago at recess. I'll just figure this stuff out on my own or pretend I know like every other 12 year old. My thoughts, laced with the undercurrent of internal guilt, would most definitely never be discussed.
I chose to "follow the rules", mostly because I'm a pleaser and I didn't want to disappoint Mom and Dad or God, and also I was a little scared of the potential consequences. I was the Lamaze coach for my best friend our freshman year of high school. The pregnancy, birth and postpartum months made a huge impact on me.
Marriage didn't make things any better. Now I'm suddenly supposed to not feel like it's "bad". My husband seemed to have the same perspective. When I found out I was pregnant with my first baby, he hated that we had to tell our parents because "they'll know we've had sex." Never mind that we had been married for 7 months, I'm guessing they had assumed that already...
Since my divorce, sex has never been more of an "issue" in my life. The truth is, it's a whole different world out there now than it was 16 years ago when I was on the dating scene last. A few of the guys who have made it clear that they are, um... available, have been clearly a "no, not even if we were the last two breathing souls on the planet" kind of NO. Then there are some pretty darn nice ones too. The trouble is, I haven't figured out how to disconnect my heart and emotions from the action- like apparently 95% of the other single women on the planet have. So it's pretty much been a self protection kind of "no" since I could tell my heart wasn't going anywhere near those situations.
Okay. So, a few weeks ago I had this discussion with one of these clearly-available-to-me guys. We had just met. He's, obviously, intensely attractive. Not my kind of guy really, but only because the stereotype narrative in my mind says he's a player BECAUSE he's gorgeous. Danger, Collene. Remember the last time you let one of these guys charm his way into your very soul? Yeah, this isn't happening buddy. I told him I'm worth a heck of alot more than the very little effort he's trying to put into me. He agreed and quickly gave up. Then, we laughed and ended up just talking into the night about other things. I'm sure I came across as a complete diva-princess with my little comment. It sounds so arrogant. But, I am worth more.
I know I'll never see him again, but I've thought back on that night and the conversations we had. What I wish I had told him is that HE'S worth more than that too. This shallow, take-what-you-can mentality that the majority of my single peers has, has got to ultimately leave everyone empty at the core. The satisfaction, cannot possibly be more than temporary. In fact, I'd go so far as to say it actually seems to rob the soul of something. No one seems willing to take the time or have the desire for the kind of connection and commitment that is supposed to accompany, what is likely, the most fantastic thing two people can share on the planet (heck, I'll even throw in the whole galaxy).
So now the months of thoughts, frustrations, heartaches and fears related to this topic culminated into the uncomfortable discussion of the year. At church. AWKWARD. Except, that it really wasn't!! The group of us that is working through the same set of challenges, is a hodge-podge of demographics. There are a couple of long term married people, a few older-than-me-but-younger-than-my-parents married couples, a couple of younger than me married couples, my single-never-been-married friend, and me. Both pastors and their wives are also in this group.
One of the men, while proud of his Catholic upbringing, had the most candid, insightful comments as it pertains to the misinformation and general lack of encouragement given to church kids and singles about sex. In fact, of all the people in our little group, it seems that he was raised the most similarly to me, with the tendency towards legalism...It was him that made the statement: "Lust and Love are both a 100% investment."
That got me thinking: I can either invest 100% in myself, while the guy invests 100% in himself and settle for the using and being used of empty lust, or I can invest 100% in him, while he invests 100% in me, and have real love. That conversation led to: "God is not a prude". Why else would Song of Solomon be included in the scriptures? Apparently, although I've never read it, it never even mentions God anywhere in the book." Huh, maybe I should check into it...
Well good! It's okay, spiritually speaking, to really want it then- and I do. If God is for it, who can be against it right? Oh yeah, the other guy. If God has a plan, you can rest assured knowing the enemy does too- twisting the truth, corrupting the promise, destroying the dream, deceiving the masses, scarring and wounding amazing, worthwhile people along the way...
So, you'll understand if you see me pass on grasping at the mirage and instead settle in for the long haul journey to the oasis. Oh, and I'll be encouraging my kids to do the same.
P.S. I read this blog to all three of my kids before I published it. We all survived.
I applaude your candid approach to the topic with your kids; I truly do. Maybe they'll grow up with a more healthy understanding and perspective on sex than you or I did. However, I think I tend to disagree with most of your other points. I won't delve too far into the tricky philosophical territory regarding the notion that casual sex "chips away at [one's] soul," but this is kind of a rhetorical, value-loaded, nonsensical statement. The idea of "meaningless" sex might eat at your conscience because of your conditioning, but don't make the mistake of attributing this to some objective notion of a "soul" that we all possess.
ReplyDeleteYou have a very high standard for determining who you will or will not have sex with, which isn't necessarily a bad thing, though it's also not necessarily a good or healthy (mentally, at least) thing. It's pretty clear that if you were to have casual sex you would be very regretful afterward and would feel some emptiness, but I can't help but think that would be a self-fulfilling prophecy based on your preconceived attitude toward it. Sex is not a singular commodity that you have or partake in; rather, it is an activity that is unique each and every time you perform it, dependent upon all manner of physical and mental variables within both (or more) parties. whether it's with a spouse of 40 years or your 40th partner. What you take away from an experience will vary based on what your expectations were going in and whether or not they were fulfilled.
Personally, I happen to greatly value the type of sex shared between two people who love each other. It's the best. For the purposes of this argument I'll refer to this as "meaningful" sex. On the other end of the spectrum is the anonymous one-night stand, and then there is everything else in between. The fact that I'll call the opposite end of the spectrum "meaningless" doesn't mean it is without purpose or value, just that there is little to no emotional attachment. Some people argue that once you've had "meaningless" sex that it somehow devalues "meaningful" sex. This is absurd, but it's valid if you believe it to be true and let it affect all future instances of "meaningful" sex. But why would you want to be absurd and ruin perfectly good "meaningful" sex? I don't really have much experience with "meaningless" sex, but what little I've experienced certainly hasn't caused an emptiness or "chipped soul" or any other vague, made-up, phenomenon. I'm perfectly capable of differentiating in my mind between the respective forms, and I swear I'm not some dead-eyed sex junkie looking for a fix to feel something, anything. But your mileage may vary.
If some future partner of mine finds this attitude objectionable for the reasons I've rejected, then I suppose that is a direct consequence of my actions and attitude and could therefore be interpreted as a negative development, but to be honest, I don't want to have sex with someone who has (what I deem to be in my humble opinion) a narrow-minded, unhealthy, and unrealistic view of sex anyway. Because if I didn't mention it before, it's paramount that both parties be on the same page about what it is they are doing and why. obviously, it helps to know the person, so the one-night stand can be tricky because of the obvious limitations in getting to know the person who just might think that penetration equates to consecrating a committed, everlasting relationship so stop calling me already, Jackie! (levity! yeah, there is no Jackie).
Anyway, your whole comment about being "worth more" is really what got me going because seriously, that's fucked up. Sex isn't a transaction of worth, or it shouldn't be. I'm not saying you should have had sex with that guy. He was probably a creep, and he probably had the clap. It doesn't make you cheaper to experience a different, less exclusive form of sex, is what I'm saying. It's perfectly fine if you only want to have the kind of sex that is usually only hinted at in the strictest fairy tale logic (Snow White and her seven dwarves notwithstanding, that slut!) then that's fine and great and it'll be amazing I'm sure. But you also might be missing out on quite a bit and also might be just the tiniest bit stressed out and neurotic all the time, but that's just me.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, you shouldn't listen to me because I'm clearly a work in progress and don't really know what I'm talking about. Also practice safe sex, because STDs are a real bummer. That's how I would tell my hypothetical kids anyway. I'd also tell them to stop crying, finish their dinner, and I was just joking. Sex is only allowed once some state-sanctioned official notarizes a piece of paper and all of your family and friends stand around imagining that your about to do it for the first time ever and how awkward that's gonna be, because well, you're married now, and that's forever, until, you know, you decide it's not.
Ahhhhh haha, John, I wish you were here while I was reading this! Your Snow White reference completely had me on the floor, but for reasons you couldn't possible know and I'll tell you about later.
ReplyDeleteThat all being said, I do listen to you, even though you are a "work in progress" because I love you and value your perspective. I think you're missing the point, or maybe making it too pointed... "Sex isn't a transaction of worth, or it shouldn't be..." Is a statement I completely agree with. Even if we're talking about the most committed, "pure", monogamous, marriage between two people who love each other perfectly, it'd be dangerous if either to attempt to get their self-worth from that relationship. Seee? Look at us finally agreeing on something...
Like it or not, sex has power. Whether it's emotionally "Meaningless" or "Meaningful" on your scale doesn't take away from the physical and even spiritual impact it has.
Stressed out and neurotic... possibly, but only occasionally, not all the time. I'm glad we're approaching an understanding in this regard after all these years too.
Your understanding and explanation of what makes a one night stand tricky, actually furthers my point. Anywhoo...Give Jackie my best, I think I see her sitting outside your house now, you sweet little dead-eyed sex junkie, you!
Well I look forward to hearing about that (I think). I really can't talk to you about anything spiritual because I have never once in my life had a spiritual experience (and certainly not for lack of belief or trying) and it's just gibberish to me. It's entirely possible that if there is a such thing as a spiritual realm that my sensors are just broken or something. I may have missed your point somewhat, but you definitely missed mine. When you say "sex has power," it's that kind of vague all-encompassing statement that I'm combatting by saying that the power of sex is really in the eyes of the beholders, and it is far too nuanced to make a one-size-fits-all kind of statement like that. If you have believed your entire childhood through adulthood years that sex is the most special thing in the world and should only be shared by two 'soul-mates,' then obviously anything less is going to be far more impactful then the person who grew up with a more practical idea of what sex is. Furthermore, sex for you is entirely distinct from sex for me (and should remain that way) and that's because we have different attitudes and expectations about it.
ReplyDeleteBelieve me, I'm not advocating that you or anyone else rush to your nearest bar and chase down a one night stand. It's an extreme kind of example (though maybe sex with a stranger on an airplane is more extreme). I feel like there is a lot of value in the "in-between" area of the spectrum. I've experienced sex within the confines of a committed, loving relationship, and it's unrivaled by most anything. I've also experienced sex that's fulfilling perhaps on not as deep of emotional terms but still entirely predicated on mutual respect and attraction, and that's also pretty great (look at me, bragging). The point is that even though I can clearly recognize one as being superior to the other, it didn't prevent me from enjoying the benefits of a different relationship. A good analogy for me would be me getting the chance to eat the best german chocolate cake that money can buy one day and then a box krispy kreme donuts the next. Both are delicious and satisfying, and there is no reason why I can't enjoy both. I would be disappointed if I was expecting my donuts to taste like rich german chocolate cake, but I approached the situation with healthy expectations that I will still have a taste for german chocolate cake long after the donuts are gone. Okay that analogy was long-winded, but you get the point.
You make it sound so black and white, is my point. And it's a straw man's argument that you're either investing 100% in yourself or your partner (whatever you really mean by that), and there isn't any in-between that is worth while. I really hope that your takeaway from what I've said isn't that I think one-night stands are worth pursuing or some flippant, tomayto tomahto, 'it's all just friction anyway' kind of argument. that's not the case at all.
By blogging about these topics that I'm working through, I am not intending to force anyone into my way of thinking. I would hope you're not feeling offended about the conclusions I've reached about myself and the way I'm built.
ReplyDeleteAlthough there are extremes at both ends of the spectrum, we are all going to be looking for acceptance, relationship, purpose and love at some point in the course of life. We will all go about it differently, presumably as a result of our personality as well as our cultural, spiritual and social shaping. My "blanket statements" really address the need for relational connection that we all have... my point is that sex, in itself, is never going to fill that desire completely. At this point in my life, I un-apologetically want more than just sex. Many of the people (men and women) that have been a part of this processing and conversation with me over the last few months are saying the same.
I happen to like black and white. I crave order and answers. Grey areas don't make sense to me, at least pertaining to the stuff I'm dealing with privately, as well as publicly here on this blog.
Reducing sex to cake and donuts doesn't fit with who I am, although I most definitely understood what you were saying and don't feel I've missed your point at all. Empty, meaningless sex pisses me off, not because of my "conditioning", but because of my (previously lightly referenced) personal experiences. It simply doesn't work for me and I understand it to be a spiritual issue. You and I may never agree, that's fine, but please respect my perspective and don't assume I'm simply being closed minded or judgmental. That could not be farther from the truth.
I am planning to continue to keep an open line of communication with my kids, revealing as much of the "why", based on experience and hard won understanding, as their age and circumstances warrant. Most of those discussions will be intensely personal, somewhat painful and incredibly not blog appropriate. I'm intentionally vague on here, in some cases, out of respect. If you're not sure why I have used "worth" or "give 100%" or any other phrases, call me. I chose them carefully, and don't plan to expound further on the internet.
Philosophy and debate never has worked for me. It doesn't change how I live or think, ever. In the end, ideas and ideals are meaningless without real, tested and proven personal conviction. That's what this blog is for me. Please don't be quick to see your perspective as all encompassing either.
Since I know you personally, and have discussed many "heavy" issues with you lately, I know you and I both agree that the mainstream churchy spewing you and I have experienced personally, is hogwash, empty, hollow, bumper-sticker, hypocritical waste. You and I have the same distaste in our mouths. If I sound "bumper-sticker-ish here, forgive me. I don't take these things lightly in any way. You, likely, have no idea how I've agonized over each and every verse/concept/cliche that has crossed my mind in the last several months. I write about them when I'm "Pen Sure" and will never intend to "preach" at anyone.
I love you and respect you beyond words. Don't worry about my takeaways from your statements, I completely understand what you've said. Remember, I have the benefit of knowing you. ;)
You certainly aren't offending me. By virtue of just posting my impassioned responses I'm sure I come across as bent on proselytizing my point of view, but I'm trying to establish dialogue on a topic I care about and hopefully aide in both of us figuring things out for ourselves in some way. And I do appreciate your point of view, even if I don't always understand it fully. I wouldn't really say that I know you in the strictest sense, in the same way that you don't really know me, nor do many people for that matter. I think to really know someone you have to be able to understand their thought processes, and though you and I have made strides in recent months I wouldn't really say we're there. I do care about you and can empathize with at least a part of what you've been struggling with. Obviously I don't know what experiences you've had that have formed your personal convictions, but I do know from personal experience and human history (probably you would even agree!) that personal conviction isn't really worth a whole lot as far as objective truth is concerned. People can convince themselves of just about anything, and I have been so convicted of something only to later entirely reverse course that i do value debate and philosophy as an extra tool to be used in conjunction with personal experience.
ReplyDeleteAnyway I want the best for you and for you to be happy, and I don't pretend to think that I know how to tell you or anyone else how to go about that, but maybe if I share how I've arrived at certain conclusions having been in at least a partially similar frame of mind at one point maybe it will resonate with you or not, and maybe you can even tell me how and why I'm wrong. That's all I'm doing.
The religious/spiritual angle you write about in these blogs I find interesting, but mostly I just really hate reading it. I often wonder if I'm making the mistake of throwing the baby out with the bath water by rejecting spiritual ideas because of one bad experience with a certain dogma--maybe I'll come to appreciate aspects of spirituality in time. I really do try to be open-minded, I promise. But for now I kind of get a sickening feeling when someone I care about spouts religious talk or other impossible-to-substantiate claims as if they are facts. For better or worse, I've kind of just distanced myself from most of these people because the only thing I have left to pleasantly discuss with them is pretty much just the weather. I hope that we can always talk about more than the weather.
Agreed! <3
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