Construction Season

The "crucible-ed-ness" of the summer has waned, leaving more time for the internal construction zone, that is my heart and mind, to pick up the pace.  In fact, the work is being done around the clock.  If you've ever had to remodel a portion of an old house, you'll understand the excitement I feel.  Here's why:

I told you the other day that I've had "Grace" mingling with a couple of other words in my head all month.  "Mercy", and "Kindness" rounded out the trio.  My old friends "Redemption" and "Repentance" made cameo appearances again too.

There's nothing more frustrating than living in a house that desperately needs repairs.  Tearing out a kitchen or a bathroom and still being required to function daily in those spaces is frustrating and crippling.

I told a friend the other day that I feel somewhat like my heart's kitchen is torn out.  The refrigerator is still in there, along with the food and necessities for daily living, but the sink is missing.  The water is turned off, the counters and cupboards are not set.  I've been making do with random utensils and even eating out.  A lot. Thankfully, I've gotten a glimpse at what the Contractor has ordered for me.  I.  Can't.  Wait!  When I'm up and running, my heart's kitchen will be bigger, more beautiful, more functional and completely able and willing to host some fantastic shindigs.

This week, I wandered through the pile of fixtures that have been torn out of my heart's kitchen.  UGLY!  Survivable, maybe, but ugly.  While I took stock of what exactly is being changed in me, I started trying to recall just how it all started.  It's been a year exactly, this week, since I called on the Contractor to begin His remodel.  Let's skip over most of the details of how, for now, and proceed to the why...

Prior to that week last September, I was stupid.   No, really, really, stupid!  I was also defensively constructing walls around my stupidity, even though I knew, fully, that I was being stupid.  I knew that my thoughts, decisions, and actions, would never hold up under the scrutiny of, well... anyone.  I didn't want to keep being stupid, but I didn't know how to correct my stupidity.  Defensiveness was my only option.

Until...

Somewhere in the recesses of my heart a barely audible pulse of hope started beating.  A conversation that started with "God would never_______ for someone like me", was proven to be a false statement.  God did that thing, for me, that week.  Then there were soft whispers in my mind and heart that formed sentences that I recognized.  Bible verses, actually.  Rusty memorization from decades before, with no references, started to permeate my thoughts.  Then conversations with a virtual stranger, laced with the compassion I had always craved, but never dared to seek...  I was challenged.  I was changed.  I was shown mercy.  I was safe.  I started to crave bold honesty about my stupidity.  For the first time in my life, I didn't feel like I needed to justify my mistakes; their power over me began to lose it's grip.

This week, as I mentally walked through the old part of my heart, I'll admit I briefly forgot about the remodel going on inside.  The powerful grip those things had over me tried to again condemn  me.  As usual, because of the Kindness of the Lord, that led me to Repentance in the first place, I was reminded that those chains are broken.  There's no going back.  No other kind of life will do, anymore.

Oh, and you might like these.  Look them up, turn them up, and listen...

This week's Construction Zone Soundtrack:
.....

Afraid to let your secrets out
Everything that you hide
Can come crashing through the door now
But too scared to face all your fear
So you hide but you find
That the shame won't disappear

Sparks will fly as grace collides
With the dark inside of us
So please don't fight
This coming light
Let this blood come cover us
His blood can cover us

This is where the healing begins, oh
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark

(Tenth Avenue North "Healing Begins")

And also:
...

Oh, can you hear, hear mercy sing
She cries to bitter hearts, end your suffering
Oh, please let go, give up your fight
Holding back your love, it never made things right

Grace, only grace
Can roll your dead heart’s stone away
Grace, only grace
Can move us to a rhythm that will change our way

(T.A.N "Grace")

And finally, a new one to me this week:
...

All my life I have been called unworthy
Named by the voice of my shame and regret
But when I hear You whisper, "Child lift up your head"
I remember, oh God, You're not done with me yet

I am redeemed, You set me free
So I'll shake off these heavy chains
Wipe away every stain, now I'm not who I used to be

(Big Daddy Weave "Redeemed")

Goodnight, my friend, and thank you for sticking with me this year.